sunday december 27, 2020

 So I made it through christmas, but it didn't feel like christmas at all.

I really miss my Pawpaw, and my nana... though she's been going a few years now.

My mom was very strong through christmas, she didn't seem to cry at all... I know I did, though.

I baked cookies and made chocolate covered pretzels. Mom's dressing was so good. And my green bean casserole was ate up.

The gifts I got from my husband were nerdy and revolve around Starwars and The Mandalorian.

My mother got my clothes and some swanky hot cocoa stuff in little metal tins so that is cool.

I feel blessed this christmas but I just... I miss my pawpaw... my mawmaw... my family. We didn't have a big family gathering like we usually do either. which makes it even worse.

We got to see the little one i baby sit on christmas day so that was a nice boost to my mood, she was adorable and it made me happy. But the amount of people in the house kind of made it harder to enjoy.

I wont see her again until january 4th.

I have to see a dentist soon because i am have a lot of pain in my mouth.

and my iron is low, and i need to get bloodwork done but i think the dentist is more important right now.

neither of these things can be done until january anyways, the end of december is no time to try and get anything done-- places are always closed. blah blah blah.

Friday December 18, 2020

 has it really been this long since i've updated???? ahhh

i've been so busy baby sitting i have barely noticed the time passing.

I am so exhausted lately! I think my iron is low again but i dont wanna make an appointment until the new year. my nails are breaking and peeling and i'm bruising and i just have no energy no matter what i do.

I got a new planner for the new year and it's smaller and I love it.

I am now collecting recipes and making a book of them to have for my own. I have two cookbooks printed in the 1980s and my moms collection and i'm getting some from pinterest and other places. It's my newest little project and it's exciting.

I had a really big emotional break down yesterday.... actually two of them. in one day. I'm trying really hard to not let the... my grandparents are dead thing get to me right now. but it's christmas and its the first one without pawpaw and my mawmaw.

I'm also having random bursts of "nana is dead" again even though its been two years.

my husband is doing his absolute best to make sure i have a good christmas and i feel blessed to have him in my life and i'm trying really hard to do the best i can. it's hard. it's really hard right now. but it will get easier after january... just get into the new year. surely it can't be worse than this one. because if it is... i don't even know what to do, honestly.

nov 28, 2020

 HAPPY LATE THANKSGIVING

one of my cousins from Louisiana is here with two friends and they have been hunting. I know they're gotten atleast three deer so far.

we smoked a boston butt and ribs for thanksgiving instead of the usual thanksgiving food

the food was great

my anxiety got the best of me the day before thanksgiving.

and on thanksgiving day i had a breakdown about my pawpaw being dead and then the next day i slept most of the day

today we went to walmart and got some food to make it through the weekend and most of next week hopefully, unless we just eat way too much lol

It's coming up on time to renew my domain for another year. it's been getting more expensive every year and I dont like it but i dont wanna give my domain up either.

Nov 19 2020

I have been so busy I haven't even stopped to think about blogging until yesterday.

I've been babysitting five, sometimes six days a week. And i'm not talking about a couple of hours in the afternoon-- Im talking 2pm to 8am shifts here. Thank god she sleeps through the night, that's all I can say right now. I wasn't even getting paid to do this until two weeks ago (might have been three, I can't remember)

Mostly because I am close friends with the parents and it kind of feels like asking for money from family for something I should do out of love, and it is out of love. Thats how it started, because I wanted to. I cared. To put a monetary value on it makes me feel dirty and rude, but it wasn't MY idea to get paid, if was their idea to pay me. So I'm accepting it, and trying to maybe start up something for myself. If I'm good at this, maybe I can babysit for other people since i'll have a reference. 

I'm getting paid via paypal, and after making a TON of online purchases and having money leftover-- I decided to get a paypal card so I can use my money like normal people in stores.

I've gotten my husband two christmas presents already, there's another thing I want to get him.

And I think I might have accidentally ordered something for my cousin, was supposed to be for me to replace something of mine, but I found mine and she seems so interested in it, so there you go.

As for how i'm doing, I have a few good days, than a few pretty bad ones. I'm in a rut currently, and despite being tired as hell--- I can't sleep tonight. which is why Im taking these quiet hours to blog as  quietly as i can. (i'm a loud typer)

My best friend from highschool (and her younger sister is my best friend too)-- their entire family has COVID-19 and I am freaking out because my friend is Type 1 Diabetic and has been in the hospital, is still i the hospital... and the other friend recently went into remission for cancer. Neither of them need this. Nobody needs it, but they really really dont. I'm having a hard time coping with it... because my pawpaw died from covid complications and it's just... it like, if it happens again i don't know what i will do. i literally dont know. i dont think i could live in a world like that, where people are just taken away like... i dont know.

I know death is part of the cycle of life, energy, the world, everything. And as much as I talk about that stuff and positive vibes blah blah blah---- death is one thing i cannot easily handle. I am having trouble making peace with it, like I know it happens. has to happen. but I'm still mad and feel like people are being stolen from me.

When I die I want to be turned into one of the organic tree growing pods that you plant in the ground, I want my body to pass back into the earth's energy cycle, the circle of life. I want the nutrients that my body decays into to nourish a tree. That's how I feel like it should be. Atleast for me. I can't speak for anybody else.

So with all this on my mind, I think about death a lot. What will happen? All this family land I will inherit? I have no children. where does it go? All these journals I am keeping, i wont have a child to get them in a cardboard box and read about my life. so other than for me to look back and remember what happened when i was young, they're useless. All these things I'm collecting-- random things like porcelain cats and crystals and sea shells.... I will have no one to appreciate or take some and think of me.

It's all seeming a bit useless lately, everything that isn't helping babysit this little girl, which I mean we are basically raising her as much as we baby sit her. I'm Auntie Tabs. But no, she won't be close enough to me to be curious about my life or want my things when I'm gone.

Now I'm getting dark and I dont wanna do that here.

I usually sleep through the night so chances for me to get down like this dont happen, but I just couldn't sleep tonight.

10.23.2020

 So I got new (prescription) stomach medicine and it seems to be working really well!!!! I had one scary moment yesterday were I think I had some gas build up in my stomach and it got hung in my hernia... this happens all the time but it felt different this time so I wasn't sure.. but I burped and it was ok.

We aren't baby sitting today and we didn't babysit last night and we wont on sunday. so we have a nice long weekend to ourselves. So we are going to cook and have movie marathons and such.

my husband is off work monday so we can even relax on sunday too.

We aren't sure if we want to keep my endoscopy appointment or cancel it, it might be a good idea to do it anyway just to keep an eye on my esophagus since I am more prone to all kinds of esophagus problems. 

But if my problem gets even better I dont know if its needed, it might just be a waste of money.

i'm still playing animal crossing new horizons.

also I've made friends with a girl who stream on twitch so that's pretty cool.

we are maybe going to carve a pumpkin for halloween this weekend.

I guess we should get some candy just incase some kids come up to the house. they usually dont but you never know. 

i'm running a little behind on sweeping the floor but the rest of the house is moderately ok.

i'm trying here, damn it

so much going onnn - oct 15, 2020

 So, ok.. Lets start with monday. 

on monday I had an appointment with the Gastroenterologist that i was seeing last year, and we apparent got the BOSS lady of nurse practitioners because this woman was on point. she was caring, attentive, and efficient. She looked over my past case, saw how severe my problems were and how we couldn't really figure out anything. She did the putting stuff together, the doctor just repeated what she said, honestly. She was that good.

So now I am on a new medicine for my stomach, but a side effect is it depletes vitamin B12 which i need to process Iron. So my anemia will probably come back. Also, the kinds of medicine i've been taking for my stomach might have been making my anemia worse all along. so there's that to think about.

Also if this stomach medicine doesn't work well enough, I will be having an endoscopy and then probably surgery. they would be wrapping my esophagus and removing my gallbladder. 

But that might not happen if this medicine works. we will give it about a month to see, I have an Endoscopy scheduled and i will cancel if the medicine seems to have worked.

on top of this stuff, me and my sister-in-law are baby sitting every week night from 2pm to 8am so its kind of exhausting. not much time to do anything. very little window of free time. however, its two of us watching the baby, we can let the other run errands if need be

so i dont know, life is happening i mean you can't stop it... even if you need a break

that's life.

here have an autumn tree

Happy MEAN GIRLS DAY

 October 3rd is MeanGirls day, if yall didn't know.

My parents are here today, they worked on my brothers car and we all watched the alabama football game.

Earlier my husband and I ran errands, got groceries, etc. Ate mexican, I had the best quesadilla. Chicken mushroom and onion. SO GOOD.

My husband untangled a pumpkin garland that was tangled so now I have another halloween decoration to put up =)

YES I AM STILL MOURNING MY PAWPAW

but i'm trying not to talk about it.

thanks for reading. 

So I've been not.... blogging

 things have been really dark for me lately. I was already down and my pawpaw died from COVID-19 complications and it's just been a really insane rough time.

I've been cooking and baking. Lots of baking. trying to keep busy.

i dont really have much to say, my husband has been amazing and i love him. i've needed a lot of support and he has been there for me.

there's a lot going on that i can't talk about and i probably wont talk about, but it's a huge thing and very stressful.

but anyway, let think about other things like hey.. HALLOWEEN!!!!

Hello September

 I have nothing good to say about this month so far, my grandfather died. Complications involving covid-19.

I kind of am just mad at the world right now.

I haven't updated in a long time

 Its been quite a whirlwind set of events here.... with the juggling the baby sitting and then having to not baby sit because my parents are replacing the floors of the hours (hardwood floors) and there was a lot of water damage and unexpected set backs. 

though my uncle and cousin and a man from the church helped a lot... a LOTTTTT.

and while this is happening, my Pawpaw had been falling a lot and they ended up taking him to the emergency room and admitting him and then relocating him to another city because they have a specialist there. We were under the assumption that there also weren't enough beds open for him to go anywhere near here but that wasn't the case, so the entire thing was a huge fiasco and it gets even worse because they figured out what was wrong with him and got him on the mend and now he needed to go to rehab but his insurance didnt wanna pay, so that was another fight.

Also one of my teeth has broken off and will probably break off more if i eat hard foods so i have been changing what i eat. this whole thing with my teeth is a nightmare and we need to get something done but we dont have to money or the time. insurance wont pay for what actually needs to be done which is why its so frustrating.

my teeth are on the back burner of this cluster fuck of what is going on right now.

we have to build pawpaw and little cabin to live in out here near us, he can't live by himself, and he doesnt wanna go back to the house he was living in. 

so the floors need to get finished, a house needs to be built. we need to find a way to keep the baby until the floor is done and its safe here and then my tooth

and then theres the fact that my cat has decided to die

and nobody believe me they think i just let it run out of gas.

so there's that. i really have nothing positive to say i just figured i should update

July 18, 2020 - Staycation

So due to Covid19 and other unforeseen things we have decided to take a vacation to... a hotel 30 mins from my house. haha

It's going to be cheaper because we wont be using gas to travel so far, so that should be a good thing, I think

Today is the first full day in the room and I am trying to relax.

I had been having a lot of trouble relaxing at home, I cant fully explain why. It just seemed like no matter what I did, no matter how much rest or sleep I got.... it wasn't enough.

So my husband is being a wonderful man and letting me stay in a hotel in town while he works during the week so it's not exactly a vacation for him, save for he doesn't have to drive 30 home and 30 mins to work every day. and we get privacy and a nice big king sized bed and can turn the AC as low as we want. haha

I hope he enjoys this, or I will feel bad for being so selfish and needing and wanting to do it.

here's some photos from the first night, hotel and food etc

our room

we had mexican for dinner

this is the inside of my delicious grilled chicken quesadilla with added mushrooms and onions. and a dollop of sour cream there at the top.

I hope to post again while we are on "vacation" I've got a lot of time in the hotelroom to relax. I'm probably going to take a nice long bath at some point. I just wish I brought a bath bomb or something haha

July 25, 2020 - Saturday

I haven't update because 1. I've been kind of depressed and 2. we've been baby sitting almost constantly.

but other than that my husband and I have been enjoying watching shows together and other such things that we do.

However, to get away from the house.... in lack of the ability to really take a vacation this year (thank you COViD-19) we are getting a hotel room in town for three night just to get away from the house for a few days. Start on monday of next week. So maybe I will have updates then. Hotels are fun and anonymous and nobody can bother you and you dont have to worry about anything and it just feels so good.

Here lately everything is baby this and baby that... the baby is literally all there is. We are the only baby sitter they have and we are being run ragged by this. But we love the little girl so much its hard to get upset, she is so precious. It's like.... AHHHHHH GRRRRR AHHHH. I have no idea what parents feel about this but it's gotta be even worse so its definitely good I am not a parent. I couldn't handle it at all. God bless the parents you are so strong.

So as for my depression, I am trying to half my ambien at night (which is ok, its on a CR so i can half if without messing up its release into my system) so I'm not so sleepy the next do, so maybe I can take my ativan for anxiety without falling asleep during the day. I'm walking a weird line between under medication and over medicated. I can't find the right place. I need relief on my sleep and I need relief with my anxiety but I dont need next day drowsyness because it messes with my anxiety medication a lot. so we have to figure out a way to work it out.
And the depression, right, so... i might have to call my psychiatrist and tell him I need a medication adjustment but I have no idea what he might adjust. and adjustments bother me because if he a new medication I have to wade through new side effects and i HATE THAT. HATE HATE HATE.
So I am just hoping I can manage the sleep and anxiety and it will somehow help the depression so I dont have to call the doctor about the depression because I dont see him for like two month unless something pops up.

So Anyways I am making packing lists and stuff for our "staycation" and its all fun and stuff, I am going to try and and enjoy this as much as a real vacation.

July 2, 2020 - Thursday

So today started like any other day and will probably end like any other day.

spoiler alert.

hahaha

anyways

since the last update I have.... Had to cancel an appointment for bloodwork because I felt sick. (post op infection or pain idk) need to reschedule sometime soon.

My husband and I have started a new show on Netflix that we are very into so we have netflix dinner dates when he gets off work, which is nice 💕

I'm still seeing my therapist via video chat, because our insurance keeps extending their coverage of that sort of thing due to covid-19. So I haven't had to drive myself to therapy yet and i kind of sort of want to just to see if i can do it. I love driving and I think I can do it, I wanna make everybody go "whoa she did it!"

We had a potential problem with the pharmacy that ended up being perfectly fine (as far as I know, I should probably call)

We have been baby sitting this past week and it was so much fun. 

I'm still playing AnimalCrossing everyday, that's not gonna change for a while.

Today I had one of the first random "hi i like that you support mental health awareness" chats i've ever had. so shout out to that person, they know who they are! ❤

June 23, 2020

So I had my second dentist appointment and the surgery. I am so thankful that my dentist is amazing, he was able to save two of my three teeth that they thought I might lose. So I only had one tooth cut out yesterday. I'm on an altered diet today and yesterday and probably tomorrow. My husband was wonderful and got me soft food I can eat easily. Because he loves me and he is amazing.

We have been baby sitting and the little girl we baby sit is growing so fast and she is so precious and adorable I can't get over how wonderful she is.

I'm doing a little bit better with my depression lately, but I'm still feeling the pull of it.

My dad had a dentist appointment the same day i did, and he got some not so good news about his tooth soh he basically had the opposite day i did.

I've been doing my nail lately and its helping me feel better about myself. it's amazing how the smallest little self care thing can change how you feel. I admit its hard to be patient and wait for my nails to dry because the way I do them makes it take forever, I coat my nails a million times with polish because I want it to be very thick and less likely to wear off. But the waiting time for it to dry is insane. I dont wanna get all new polish and get that instant dry stuff so I am using what I have. I prefer really sparkly nail polish because I love glitter. Last time I did my nail my husband picked a random color for me and it was green haha, I only have one green nail polish that I got my christmas themed nails, so I did that with a sparkly top coat.

I've been decorating my planner a lot lately and I forgot how many awesome stickers I have so YAY.

I also decorated my new journal with lots of washi tape so that is really fun for me.

I'm trying to do stuff to make me happier, and its all these little things like this.

The dentist and oral surgeon appointment thing was kind of annoying with all the Covid-19 procedures, but we have to do it or we can't go to the doctor.

My next therapy appointment is at the very end of this month so it will still be a telehealth video session. But after that I will be driving myself to therapy for the first time and I am excited and scared at the same time. It's a good thing so my husband doesn't have to take off work, but it's also scary because I have to drive out in a place I don't usually drive and also my car has been trying to break down a lot. But my dad serviced my car and I think it's going to be fine honestly. So I just need to worry about my driving ability.

I guess that's all I got to say now.

I'm gonna go play some animal crossing, it's almost 8am and that means the shop opens and I can sell all my fruit for the day. haha.

June 14, 2020

So things have been pretty ok, I got my car fixed, had an iron infusion, went to the dentist.

I "saw" my psychiatrist and got my meds (though there might be an issue with refills that I need to work out soon)

The dentist scheduled me for another appointment and surgery, on the same day so as to make it easier on everyone when it comes to numbing my mouth and having to take off for it i suppose. So I'm losing another tooth, possibly two.

I think the iron infusion has helped me. I am less tired I think.

I have more energy, I'm also trying to not take ambien every night and just see if I can sleep on my own. Mixed results with that but atleast when I dont take it I am less likely to sleep half of the next day?

We have been baby sitting again and it is a wonderful thing. The baby just turned one and she is a hoot. We look foreward to her being here. And when she isn't here it just feels so empty.... even though that when she is here we get exhausted keeping up with her... lol

So like I said my sleep pattern is all kinds of weird. I am waking up randomly at night and staying up for an hour and then going back to sleep.

This last night I woke up at 11, 1 and 4 and I just decided to stay up when I woke up at 4am. Like ok, lets do this.

we have been talking about vacation plans so we shall see where that goes. Not Beach vacation but just a vacation.

June 7, 2020

So here we go, another update.

Since I last updated We have started baby sitting our friend's little girl again, which is absolutely WONDERFUL. She is a joy. She just turned 1 year old and I am so excited. She absolutely loves me, which makes me feel special and overhwhelmed at this same time because I dont handle constant attention very well I get exhausted, so I keep sneaking off to breath.

This is another sign that no, I would no be a good mother after all. Which we already knew, but just more fuel for the case, so to speak.

My car broke down and My dad fixed it up and its great now! I'm so excited!

And now I can drive myself to the dentist this next week. And maybe to birmingham for therapy when I start going back in person when the insurance stops covering the Covid-19 emergency telehealth stuff.

I realized last night that only ONE of my life, 5 prescriptions has a refill written out for it. so that is going to be hell when I need to get a refill. I'll have to call greyson and leave and message and explain the problem and hope they understand and will call the pharmacy and take care of it without making us jump through 15 hoops to get my medicine filled.

last night I got a wild hair and decided to paint my nails which is something i havent done in year or two, i was hoping itd help me feel more girls but i dont know if its working maybe it would have if i picked a girly color. and not black silver gray sparkles lol

I have been watching the movie Zootopia on repeat in the background because its a wholesome child level look at racism. and uh, its just a good damn movie.

May 26, 2020

so a lot has happened since I last updated.
Well, not really so much just a really big thing.
Save for my iron infusions and therapy and what not....

My Mawmaw died and we put her to rest yesterday. She had been sick for a long time and in a lot of pain... she lived a long life and died at home.
At the funeral I got to see a lot of my family that I had not seen in really long time and it was kind of great. Like really great.

This morning I got up at 5am and went to get my second iron infusion.

This makes the second round of times i've had to get iron. because they give you two or three infusions, a week apart.  i had it done last fall and now again.

I dunno where my iron is going but I need it to please stay in my body ok thanks.

My car broke down today, AFTER my appointment which is good. I mean, in the general scheme of things yeah, that's the best way that could have gone down. lol

My Mother-in-law sent me a super late birthday gift and it is ADORABLE and I love it.

my husband and I are watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together and it's pretty awesome. I never watched it before.

I'm still playing Animal Crossing New Horizons, I made a memorial for my mawmaw and my nana in the game. Cause you can basically design your own world in the game. you have your own island and do whatever you want.

So life is returning to normal apparently.
Lets see how it goes.

May 8, 2020

So today is a RAINING MESS OF A DAY

I went to the store for mothers day cards today, and that was kind of fun. I think I found some that are good enough Or something lol It's so hard to pick and then there's the fact that they're already picked through and not much is left.

Dad went to the dentist yesterday and now has an appointment later to get a root canal to save his tooth.
I need to go to the dentist soon too, I will probably end up losing atleast one more tooth. I hope we can save one of them though.

I have been having a blast playing animal crossing with my friend Jess and I didn't think I would enjoy doing that kind of thing because I am really protective of my island and dont like visitors but if they just come shop and stuff... I always make sure I have all my fruit and stuff picked before I get visitors because I'm afraid of getting looted. I have maybe three more people I wanna play with but we are having trouble scheduling the time to do it.

I'm trying to eat better again, I dont know how long it will last or what will happens but I'm going to try. I am fed up with my body. And my mental health is suffering very badly from it.

I have two iron infusions later this month so that will hopefully give me some more energy, I've been feeling very very exhausted all the time and also cold a good bit. (ok well to be honest I'm either cold or hot, I almost never have a comfortable temperature)

Anyway, not much else to report.

my husband is grilling or smoking meat or whatever this weekend so that will be a nice treat. its always so good when he does it, he know what he is doing, that's for sure.

I'm trying to update more

Mostly just to help my own sanity

Last night I didn't sleep very well, didn't take ambien and wasn't tired but when I finally dozed off around 1 or 2am it was so pleasant and gentle and it was like the best cat nap. woke up around 4:30 maybe 5am. I felt great. like so peaceful. and calm.
i'm i haven't slept at all today, which means tonight i should sleep very well. I hope.

My husband ate some bad chicken last night and has had tummy troubles all day. You just gotta be careful with chicken, you know?


I haven't played as much Animal Crossing as I planned today but I think if I had, i'd have gotten sleepy. so I've been doing other stuff.

I can't really figure out what. I've been writing in my journal. Attempting to color. My therapist thinks the anxiety relieving adult coloring books are very good for me to have a project to work on that doesn't have an actual level of quality that it requires but i can still make it as best as i can anyway??? does that make sense. like i can put effort into it if i want or i can just blah

I did clean the literbox and take out the trash and take the garbage cart down today.

But really a LOT of writing in my personal journal.


It's CINCO DE MAYO AND TACO TUESDAY DURING THE CORONA VIRUS QUARANTINE.
hahha

Some Animal Crossing Photos

outfit of the day

another outfit

cutsie photo

Bubbles is my bestie, she is hilarious and kind

Finally got Nook's Cranny updated

My room is red and black themed

another outfit of the day

May 2, 2020

So they have lessened the rules on quarantine here in alabama. Probably not a good idea, but what can you do.

I've been playing Animal Crossing and Coloring a lot.

I went and saw my MawMaw again and had a nice time there with everyone who was there.

Not much is going on.

My stomach is bothering me a lot right now at the moment.
And also my lower back.

I'm not sure what is going to happen next in general, I think we are all just holding out breaths and waiting to see if the virus gets less and less or gets more in other places.

I'm thinking that the places like I live will get hit last because we are so off and away from others, it will take a while to get out here, if it does at all?

Sunday April 19, 2020

So I read a meme that said we should uninstall 2020 and reinstall because this one has a virus.
NOTHING ELSE IS SO TRUE.

Stan and I are having a good weekend despite my tomfoolery

I wanted to update because I had a dream I did lol

We have been watching a lot of comedians lately. Stand up comedy is the best because its highly offensive usually, and we all know I love that.

So I am happy to report that my fake fitbit watch I got months ago from Wish is STILL WORKING
the battery life is getting a little less but its still great.
Not that I'm walking that much given the quarantine

We had a REALLY bad storm come through a week ago and the power was out for 2.5 days. like what in the world.

and its storming again today.
already has and is about to again.




SO HERES THE SAD PART OF MY ENTRY
My mawmaw is dying and I posted about it vaguely on facebook and my own family got mad at me and I had to delete my post. D= D= D=
I was so offended and hurt
I barely even MENTIONED it
it was in an update about a bunch of other stuff

lame

She had stomach cancer, and apparently had for a bit. it is very aggressive and has metastasized and is spreading everywhere.
She is actually doing much better than I expected, but then again all I have to compare it to is my Nana who died from brain cancer and she was, essentially, a vegatable for a few weeks. I hate saying that but yeah. She wanted to die at home, just like mawmaw. But mawmaw fed herself last I heard and she is still going outside to get fresh air. Even though they have to help her now, but as far as I know she is mostly ok given the situation.
I'm just really not ready for another grandparent to die. I keep thinking about how PawPaw will be next and then my aunts and uncles and then I think about my husbands family and I get really bent out of shape. I love his grandma and mother so much. I love his Dad, though that topic is kind of taboo frankly, I shouldn't love someone who hates me but I do. It's hard not to like his Dad. I was scared of him at first but now I just like.. I wanna see him. I can't but I want to.

My husband is being amazing lately. Not that he isn't always amazing. But this weekend has been good. He washed the dishes, started the laundry and is currently at the store buying me chicken.
Usually I do the chores so its like oh wow, this is really nice as hell.

He's being put through hell having to work during the quarantine, especially since his back has started giving him problems on the daily. I know he is trying so hard to be strong and I see it. I love him and it hurts me that he is in pain, and is an "essential" worker.

I dont handle death very well, at all. and I know everytime he goes to work he could die in a car accident or catch COVID-19 and I know his immune system isn't good and I just... the fear is real. Very real.

I'm also worried about my Dad, he has had this bad cough for years and I just fear the COVID would completely destroy him. But thankfully he is working from home. My mom is a trooper though, she never lets herself be "sick" if that's somehow possible. I can't even remember the last time she went to the doctor. I can't remember the last time Dad did either. They just dont go.

Ok so my husband is back and we are about to eat and watch TV.

Here's some cute gifs

April 9, 2020

So it's been a long time since i've updated this blog.
I went to update on March 29 and my computer wouldn't load the page to post so I just put it away for a while.

I had to do my last therapy session via telehealth and I didn't like it at all.

My MawMaw has been sick and they diagnosed her with terminal cancer so I have limited time to see her for the last time.

The COVID-19 virus has the world going nuts.

I'm trapped at home.

Stan got me a new video game for my birthday, and a stuffed Hello Kitty that I named "Corona Kitty"

My dad has come up with a way to stream his classes and make videos of the stuff for the classes, which is pretty cool. He can't just sit there and talk at the camera, he had to make a pivoting mount out of wood that is looking down on the electronics stuff he is teaching about.

This saturday I am hopefully going to see my mawmaw

My stomach has been bothering me more than normal and I hate it

Walmart is having trouble getting my medicine in stock so that is bad

everything is bad

i am depressed
i can't get med adjustments because I can't physically go to the doctor, and getting adjustments during the quarantine is probably near impossible, plus i dont even know if i need it. i might just be more depressed simply because of the quarantine. probably.

all i want to do is sleep

I have a mini infestation of tiny tiny tiny beetle like bugs in the window of my bedroom. I would just bug spray them but Lilly likes that window and I dont want her to get sick from bug spray. =/ not sure what to do

Stan got us the last starwars movie and we watched it. I love it, but stan doesn't care for it so much. I mean, I'm like, at least it explains why Rey was so over powered in the previous movies. AND. well i can't talk about it, it might spoil it for the one person who reads this blog. lol

The only thing I have going for me is my new video game: Animal Crossing New Horizons
It's only the second animal crossing game I've played but god damn are these games addictive.
I kinda wanna start up my older one and just check on my villagers--- they get upset when you disappear from the game. and they count the days too.

My cat has been taking naps on me and that makes me happy too

MY stomach really hurts right now, sigh.

I guess I will try to update this more since I'm stuck at home. maybe post some photos of stuff.

I think I'm averaging two naps a day and also sleeping all night through.
this is so much sleep I don't even know what to think

Happy March 2020

So, it's march.
My husband has been going to a chiropractor for his back and I am scared its going to make it worse instead of better. All I can do it hope it doesn't hurt.

I have an appointment wednesday for therapy and meds.

It's uh, raining again. AGAIN.

I don't really have that much to say I just wanted to make sure I updated.

Pawpaw is having a colonoscopy
And tomorrow night my husband works super late

also we get to baby sit again starting tomorrow night.

Wednesday feb 19, 2020

I am pleased to announce that with the help of my psychiatrist we have been able to convince the insurance company to pay for my Latuda so, yay!

I am a little bummed because my pedometer watch I bought has stopped counting steps but everything else works. Save for it thinks the battery is always full, which it isn't. lol
I'm gonna let it die and recharge it and see what happens. If it doesn't work it was only $4
So the good news is I have another one that my mom gave me, it doesn't sync to a phone but it DOES work. the color is white though so that's a little sad. Because god knows I can't keep anything white clean but the band is washable so I guess I'm being sad for no reason. typical me.

My allergies have been going CRAZY for about a week. Not every day, but when it does I am a MESS. I just sneezed few times so I'm hoping today isn't one of those days. Because then I'll take benadryl and sleep because benadryl make me REALLY sleepy.

I did some archery sunday and messed up my arm really bad. It's bruised worse than ever.
They said I was anemic so I dont know why it was so much worse. It looks like I was in a car wreck, its such a huge bruise, really dark purple blue.
We also suspect I am holding my arm improperly because the string is hitting really far up on my arm.

I'm feeling kind of goofy so I'm gonna leave some annoyingly cute gifs now

Sat Feb 8, 2020

So today my husband and I went to eat lunch together and then went shopping-
The main part of this was the ability to FINALLY get my meds. I turned in my prescription on Wednesday and they couldn't read his handwriting so they kept calling the doctor over and over again and they were getting no response, so I then started calling them over and over.
eventually at some time late last night, someone called the pharmacy and finally told them what my prescription said so i could finally get my medicine today--- 4 days later.

we are still waiting for the doctor to fight it out with the insurance company to try an get me the medicine i need, but they have also prepared us for worst case scenario and given me a prescription of an alternative medicine that is supposed to be similar. but i'm not supposed to take it unless i run out of the samples they gave me and the appeal to the insurance company fails.

its just a whole lotta stuff that makes me all kinds of angry because when doctors and stuff get complicated my brain shuts down from the anxiety. i can't process what happens, so thankfully my husband is usually there to help me.

Today I got home from town and just wanna do stuff--- i'm reorganizing little things that don't matter to anybody but me and for some reason I started playing minecraft again.

Im just trying to make it to the therapy-- which is Tuesday if she doesn't cancel again. She was sick last time and if its the flu idek how long she might be out. I just really dont know what to do with myself, I'm trying to do house work and be productive but it feels so empty and getting up the nerve to do it is hard. like what... i dont know if its depression or anxiety or both but sometimes I just cannot get up and do shit.

I've been making chains of beads while I watch movies or tv, so thats good. keeps me from wanting to eat all day while i'm watching stuff lol.

we are keeping our friend's baby this week-- my mom and dad are and we help a lot. so that is the most fun thing. but it only happened every two weeks and then we dont see her again for two weeks.
so its kind of a yay time
followed by a "wat am i doing with my life this sucks" time

so i guess that's about it for now

Jan 31, 2020 - trip recap

I finally found the outline for the blog draft I was going to write, so here is my late christmas trip summary.

Day one - Friday: my husband and I woke up on time and got going exactly as planned. However, my stomach was not very happy with me and we had to make some stops for me to handle my GERD and IBS issues. I ended up sleeping through most of the trip up, riding in cars makes me sleep like a baby.
When we got to our destination, which is where my husband's mother lives, we ordered a pizza from a legit Italian place and it was sooooo good. I ate so much pizza and by some grace of God I didn't get that sick. So woooo.

Day two - Saturday: we slept in a bit, then got ready and had lunch with my husband's friend and her boyfriend. The restaurant was amazing. Very pretty interior design. I took a photo to show mom and dad because it reminded me of stuff my dad would make.  I ate smothered chicken and green beans, but I ended up scraping most of the toppings off the smothered chicken.
That night my husband cooked dinner, fried chicken with honey on it and omg it was so good. I dont usually eat friend chicken at all, but daaaaaaaaaamn,

Day three - Sunday: my husband went to visit with his dad and they had a delicious lunch and watched some football. And my husband is so sweet, he got me ice cream on the way back. Most of the day I rested, my stomach was not feeling the best. But compared to other times we have visited, my stomach was much better than the past.

Day four - Monday: my husband made delicious breakfast for us-- fried bologna egg and cheese sandwiches on toasted bread, It was just what I needed. So good. After that we relaxed with mother-in-law, and my husband's cousin and his girlfriend, also my husband's grandmother came over. It was very nice to see my husband's cousin and his lady. They are good people. After everyone left my husband and I decided it was a good night to eat chinese takeout. Haha, which was delicious but, I would soon regret it.

Day five - Tuesday: I woke up with a huge acid reflux attack at 6am. I dont know why in the world my body decided to go ALL night and then be like "oh hey, 6am, lets choke on stomach acid"
So we slept a little later than planned, because I had such trouble with that. But eventually we packed up and got on the road to come home. I slept half the way home, and spent the other half singing annoying songs that drove my husband crazy. we made it home early enough to talk to my parents before going to bed.

--------------------

Jan 30, 2020

I had a pretty large blog update outlined and I lost the outline.

So I'll just say I had a great trip to visit my husband's family.
And now I'm home and sad. And my new medicine is run out, and I'm just kind of sitting here wondering what I'm gonna do next.

Jan 22, 2020

So, some stuff has happened and I'm thinking its best to update before we go on vacation.

I started a new medicine and now I can't get it because of insurance.
On top of that I had to miss my appointment with my doctor for refills because I had some kind of stomach bug or flu. All I know is I was violently sick for about 24 hours. I'm am starting to think it was the new antacid my husband got me, a generic of something I'd never tried. Or hadn't in a while. It might have just been a bad bottle. Either way I dont wanna ever try it again. I felt like I was dying. I'm pretty sure I ran a fever. Which is why I think it might have been a stomach flu instead?

My doctor did call in a small refill of my meds so I should have enough to last through our trip to ky.
All I need is caffeine pills now, which I forgot to get at the store.

I am packing as best I can, Its going to be cold on our trip and and all my winter clothes are bulky and will barely fit in my suitcase.

The trump impeachment stuff has my husband working odd hours and super late and its upsetting in one way but also I get to see him more in the morning.

I've been lax on my obsession with making lists for packing... I'm just throwing stuff in a suitcase and hoping I get everything.

I do know I wanna take books to try and detox from some gaming I've been doing lately. I haven't been like, gaming constantly but enough to keep me from reading which is bad since I set a reading goal with goodreads.com this year.

Right now I'm watching Harry Potter from the beginning, taking a wee break from StarWars. Haha, I was on a StarWars binge for weeks.
Also I'm running out of beads to make bead chains with, which I should get some because its good to do when I'm sitting and watching TV.

We aren't going to be baby sitting for while we had her for two weeks and now its out time "off"
which is sad but that's part of baby sitting, they go back to their parents and such.

I need to go pack now.

Monday Jan 13, 2020

So, I'm not sure what I have or haven't updated about, and I'm not really feeling like checking my last post, lol.

So-- My new medicine isn't covered by insurance so we are coming at a point where we aren't sure what is gonna happen.
We know the generic is supposed to be released by the end of this month, but we aren't sure how soon it will make it to pharmacies or the insurance will be agreeable.

I go to see the doctor this week to try and figure out what to do.
We hope they will give me more samples so I can continue to take this medicine until they can get my the generic.

We have been watching our friend's baby again, but not as much as last year.
I have discovered all the best ways to make the baby laugh, which is my joy right now. haha
The trick is to make funny faces and strange noises, all the time. Even if you look like an idiot, ok especially if you look like an idiot.

I've been rewatching some starwars movies, and also a lot of old disney movies.

I'm monitoring how many steps I take a day and HAHAHAHA. I am so LAZY.

I'm trying to do more housework but I have been so tired lately. I think my iron might be low again, but we wont know anything until next month.

I'm kind of tired of typing now, so I will leave you with some gifs.

Jan 4, 2020 --Saturday

We are home!
We went to the Pearl River Resort with my mom and dad and I THINK if it wasn't raining and we didnt go to the casino to gamble, we'd have had a really good time. The room was nice and comfy, except for there was no minifridge or microwave. which would have been really nice.

But the other nice stuff in the room made up for it

I'll be honest though I mostly slept the whole time. haha
The huge dinner friday night was delicious and I should have eaten more but I was so bloated and gross feeling I just couldn't eat that much. I ate a lot of potatoes and mac and cheese and baked fish and shrimp.
The drive over there was horrible. So rainy, like... just the worst kind of rain. Dreary and gross.

When we got home the cat collars I ordered from Wish were here and my cat has a beautiful collar now.

And I have some cool washi tape for my planner.

I mended one of my husband's work shirts when we got back, I'm doing a lot of sewing lately. it's nice. makes me feel housewife good.

Anyways, this next week I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist and Therapist. I haven't seen my therapist in a month! It's been so hard.  I have so much to say that I dont even know what to tell her, I'm going to have to start writing stuff down so I can remember what to tell her or I will just go in there and run my mouth and not talk about the things that actually matter. she lets me talk as much as i want but it seems to be getting in the way of my actual progress lately.

Here's some photos from our trip and today.

we went to the Philadelphia House of Pancakes. was good.

house of pancakes

po ta toes and skrimps. and maccychese. this is from the big dinner we did friday night

"that's no moon.... it's a space station"

lol

and these are some photos from my wish order

a cat collar for my princess

super thin washi tape!