happy new year! Jan 1, 2020

So most people do a kind recap of the year  post on their blogs or whatever...

but I'm going to focus on the second half of the year because it impacted me more. So um.....

The second half of 2019 was a strange time. I spent a lot of time at doctors offices trying to figure out what was wrong with my body. Only to find out it's multiple things, and that are not all exactly fixable. But manageable.

GERD and diverticulosis, a hiatal hernia, gallbladder problems, ovarian cysts, low iron and my potassium is off.

I also came to the realization that yes, eating disorders make you age faster physically. My body is more worn out than it should be, and it's something I regret deeply. In combination with my bipolar and anxiety disorders, I feel as if so much has been taken from me by mental illness. Which is why I am going to do my best to be an advocate for mental illness awareness. That's why this blog has been revamped.

I have realized that I desperately want to be a mom. After baby sitting a friend's baby for days in a row... And finding so much joy in taking care of her... It's what my heart desires most right now. I yearn to be a mother.

I see my highschool classmates with their kids and I am so bittersweet happy. I am happy they can experience the joy, and I am simultaneously jealous that I cannot. I know there are options to have a child... 

I am very interested in fostering or adopting. I want to. But they make it so complicated and expensive I am afraid to even try because I get my hopes up so high... The let down destroys me.

There's other things that have been on my mind, things that I have failed to accomplish in the same time my peers have... Owning a house, having my own place. But then I remember that I love my parents very much, and living with them isn't too bad. Lol I think they are more tired of me than I am of them.

Also, the sense that death is always lurking ready to take people away has been reinforced in my life. It's been two years since my nana died and death and dying is still something I have not made peace with. I dread 2020. I dread the fact that I know people will probably die. That people die, period. It's not something I am able to handle well. And if I can't cope with it better I am not gonna make it through the rest of my life, because more and more people you know die as you get older.

2019 has also been good. At least some of it. I have just changed medication to latuda and my mental health has improved. I am more active. I want to do chores. I want to make jewelry. I want to leave the house. 

I'm not sure what 2020 will bring, but I am praying it gives me some answers or hope.

I hope everyone has a good 2020!