Nov 19 2020

I have been so busy I haven't even stopped to think about blogging until yesterday.

I've been babysitting five, sometimes six days a week. And i'm not talking about a couple of hours in the afternoon-- Im talking 2pm to 8am shifts here. Thank god she sleeps through the night, that's all I can say right now. I wasn't even getting paid to do this until two weeks ago (might have been three, I can't remember)

Mostly because I am close friends with the parents and it kind of feels like asking for money from family for something I should do out of love, and it is out of love. Thats how it started, because I wanted to. I cared. To put a monetary value on it makes me feel dirty and rude, but it wasn't MY idea to get paid, if was their idea to pay me. So I'm accepting it, and trying to maybe start up something for myself. If I'm good at this, maybe I can babysit for other people since i'll have a reference. 

I'm getting paid via paypal, and after making a TON of online purchases and having money leftover-- I decided to get a paypal card so I can use my money like normal people in stores.

I've gotten my husband two christmas presents already, there's another thing I want to get him.

And I think I might have accidentally ordered something for my cousin, was supposed to be for me to replace something of mine, but I found mine and she seems so interested in it, so there you go.

As for how i'm doing, I have a few good days, than a few pretty bad ones. I'm in a rut currently, and despite being tired as hell--- I can't sleep tonight. which is why Im taking these quiet hours to blog as  quietly as i can. (i'm a loud typer)

My best friend from highschool (and her younger sister is my best friend too)-- their entire family has COVID-19 and I am freaking out because my friend is Type 1 Diabetic and has been in the hospital, is still i the hospital... and the other friend recently went into remission for cancer. Neither of them need this. Nobody needs it, but they really really dont. I'm having a hard time coping with it... because my pawpaw died from covid complications and it's just... it like, if it happens again i don't know what i will do. i literally dont know. i dont think i could live in a world like that, where people are just taken away like... i dont know.

I know death is part of the cycle of life, energy, the world, everything. And as much as I talk about that stuff and positive vibes blah blah blah---- death is one thing i cannot easily handle. I am having trouble making peace with it, like I know it happens. has to happen. but I'm still mad and feel like people are being stolen from me.

When I die I want to be turned into one of the organic tree growing pods that you plant in the ground, I want my body to pass back into the earth's energy cycle, the circle of life. I want the nutrients that my body decays into to nourish a tree. That's how I feel like it should be. Atleast for me. I can't speak for anybody else.

So with all this on my mind, I think about death a lot. What will happen? All this family land I will inherit? I have no children. where does it go? All these journals I am keeping, i wont have a child to get them in a cardboard box and read about my life. so other than for me to look back and remember what happened when i was young, they're useless. All these things I'm collecting-- random things like porcelain cats and crystals and sea shells.... I will have no one to appreciate or take some and think of me.

It's all seeming a bit useless lately, everything that isn't helping babysit this little girl, which I mean we are basically raising her as much as we baby sit her. I'm Auntie Tabs. But no, she won't be close enough to me to be curious about my life or want my things when I'm gone.

Now I'm getting dark and I dont wanna do that here.

I usually sleep through the night so chances for me to get down like this dont happen, but I just couldn't sleep tonight.