sunday december 27, 2020

 So I made it through christmas, but it didn't feel like christmas at all.

I really miss my Pawpaw, and my nana... though she's been going a few years now.

My mom was very strong through christmas, she didn't seem to cry at all... I know I did, though.

I baked cookies and made chocolate covered pretzels. Mom's dressing was so good. And my green bean casserole was ate up.

The gifts I got from my husband were nerdy and revolve around Starwars and The Mandalorian.

My mother got my clothes and some swanky hot cocoa stuff in little metal tins so that is cool.

I feel blessed this christmas but I just... I miss my pawpaw... my mawmaw... my family. We didn't have a big family gathering like we usually do either. which makes it even worse.

We got to see the little one i baby sit on christmas day so that was a nice boost to my mood, she was adorable and it made me happy. But the amount of people in the house kind of made it harder to enjoy.

I wont see her again until january 4th.

I have to see a dentist soon because i am have a lot of pain in my mouth.

and my iron is low, and i need to get bloodwork done but i think the dentist is more important right now.

neither of these things can be done until january anyways, the end of december is no time to try and get anything done-- places are always closed. blah blah blah.

Friday December 18, 2020

 has it really been this long since i've updated???? ahhh

i've been so busy baby sitting i have barely noticed the time passing.

I am so exhausted lately! I think my iron is low again but i dont wanna make an appointment until the new year. my nails are breaking and peeling and i'm bruising and i just have no energy no matter what i do.

I got a new planner for the new year and it's smaller and I love it.

I am now collecting recipes and making a book of them to have for my own. I have two cookbooks printed in the 1980s and my moms collection and i'm getting some from pinterest and other places. It's my newest little project and it's exciting.

I had a really big emotional break down yesterday.... actually two of them. in one day. I'm trying really hard to not let the... my grandparents are dead thing get to me right now. but it's christmas and its the first one without pawpaw and my mawmaw.

I'm also having random bursts of "nana is dead" again even though its been two years.

my husband is doing his absolute best to make sure i have a good christmas and i feel blessed to have him in my life and i'm trying really hard to do the best i can. it's hard. it's really hard right now. but it will get easier after january... just get into the new year. surely it can't be worse than this one. because if it is... i don't even know what to do, honestly.