Some photos from the trip. Alabama Christmas 2022

This is my cousin (sister) who I can talk to about anything. ANYTHING. she is my person. Ride or die. Cradle to grave. ❤️

This photo is so very precious to me. This is my and Sky, the little girl I baby sat last year. I hadn't seen her in a year. She barely remembered me but she has such a big heart I was no stranger to her at all. I helped her eat her lunch at the restaurant and we talked about stuff. She asked me questions and I answered her. And she'd repeat it back to show she got it right and it was so cute. This photo was taken in the living room of our friends house (their newest baby sitting on the floor playing) I was showing sky the books my MIL bought for her (because she knew how much sky meant to me) and I showed sky the books and she...

 She has caught up so well with her learning. She was telling ME what was happening in the pictures in the book. In very excited ways that just made my heart sing. She is starting to grasp words as in reading but I don't think they've made it there quite yet. But she has a vocabulary and can talk and tell you things she is thinking and she asks so many questions... It's so precious. I just... I am almost crying typing this thinking about how much she grew in a year and how amazing it was to see her thriving.

me on the last day of the trip... At IHOP for my "last meal" as I have come to call it. 

We have trouble getting photos of Scarlett, she is mom and dads special needs deaf dog. She is just a quirky and adorable as ever. Always getting in to things she shouldn't be... Typical rascal dog behavior lol

Marleigh! My husband was most excited to see this big floof. She is so sweet and has these sad eyes that you can't say no to.

Aiden Hyde .... He is doing so much better than I thought he would after we left. He's actually changed a lot in good ways. Maybe my little miss Lilly was intimidating him too much to let his inner personality show but dad and mom adore him now.

I post this solely because you can see my dad in his natural habitat. Cowboy boots and all 😂🥰

dad (behind the walker) and family

The hand crafted one of a kind lamp my dad made for my husband from a bourbon bottle. My dad is awesome not gonna lie. Better pics will be posted elsewhere.

Me in the elevator of the hotel we stayed in. If I look closely at this picture I THKNK I can see two gray hairs!!! Lolol that would catch me up with my two cousins (three of us bor that one year. Both of them have tons of gray hair already and I'm just over here like 🤷🤷🤷Idk y'all?)

Me in the hotel room mirror. Idk why but hotel mirror pics will always be a thing for me

this is a out HALF of what we packed for the trip lol. Not counting gifts and Stan's suitcase and some bags of assorted things.

Alabama Christmas vacation part one

Alabama Christmas 2022

Monday night

Ok I planned on making more mini updates on my phone and clumping them together and making a big update after we got back from Alabama. But I didn't write anything for Saturday or Sunday… so I will do that now.

Saturday was the drive down and it was pretty good. We went a different way then we'll usually go and it took us through the very top edge of Georgia. The drive was so much easier that I think I will be able to drive myself back home to visit my family. So basically just don't drive through Nashville y'all. Just don't do it. Lol. 

Sunday was the Reynolds tribe family Christmas and it was pretty much the same. Lots of chaos and people and food and jokes and people drinking beer on the not so down low. 

I got to see my cousin who is basically my sister and I needed that so badly. I didn't spend as much time with her as I could have but! I am seeing her on Tuesday. So she gets a special visit from me.

I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins. And it's just a LOT OF PEOPLE.

I kind of kept to myself at the gathering and I think it was because I was subconsciously trying to protect myself from the anxiety I'd have if I just threw myself into the center of the attention and chaos. Like I had a self preservation type thing. Which is good. It's like my brain is setting boundaries for my own safety? And I didn't feel pressed to interact more … maybe because I have work on therapy stuff or my anxiety medication helped me calm down. So I could just sit and take it in and not be… idk.

I feel like I kind of half assed my family Christmas. Like I didn't talk to anyone as much as I wanted to? I should have talked to people more?  But they didn't make a huge effort to talk to me either. And they know I have anxiety so maybe it was them try to be nice to me but I actually wanted to interact more and didn't have the capacity to tell them. I was just… there.

Anyway..

Now it's Monday night.

I slept in late this morning and I am mad about it because I didn't mean to and that kinda set the tone for the whole day.

But anyway… we got dressed and got good went to the grocery store for stuff to cook at mom and dads. Because I wanted to have a home cooked meal ready for them when they got home from work. Because mom doesn't do that anymore she is working herself. 

So we did the shopping. Went by the storage unit to measure the desk and book shelves and some stuff because we need to move it all up to Kentucky this coming year. Sooner rather than later. We are going to have to get another storage unit in KY because we have too much stuff for our apartment. Especially if we wanted to make the second bedroom livable. Right now it is basically a storage closet.

Ah anyway we get to my parents house and we see the dogs and my husband just… goes nuts with happiness. He loves dogs and loves marleigh so much (she's my parents husky mix) and there were lots of cuddles and pets and scratches given to the marleigh. We also got to see Scarlett.. she is deaf. Special needs dog and she is just as quirky and random as ever.

I got to see my oldest cat Aiden Hyde… he is a senior kitty. He's 15 years old.

My Miss Lilly is 10 years old.

Anyway

We chilled and played with the doggos until it was time to start cooking dinner. 

My husband is so so so very good at what he does. He fried chicken and it was so good!

It was nice to be able to dry food and the smoke alarm not go off every five mins like it does at our apartment lol

We had dinner done for mom and dad (more or less) and mom got home before dad so she helped us fix a little extra food for my brother's girlfriends son. It was pretty complicated so MANY things being cooked in the kitchen at the same time. But we managed it.

My husband was a saint about this dinner with my parents brother. I am Grateful he was willing to cook for them. I know how hard it is sometimes. And I appreciate it very much. It meant a lot.

We did our gift exchange.

Mom and dad got their his and her blankets cause they talked about not having blankets to cuddle up on the recliners in the living room. Mom and dad got me some AMAZING journals and notebooks and stuff and I am so excited to use them. I want to use them for something special. I think I might start up a dream journal. Just write down my dreams every morning.

My dad made my husband the most amazing unique hand crafted lamp… out of a bourbon bottle. I will have to attach pictures of it to this blog post. later

Unfortunately we are being up more stuff that we left down here because mom is pushy about getting the house cleaned out. So we are working on getting a new storage unit in KY and having one here to put the stuff from the second bedroom and the Alabama unit.. and then We can actually decorate and use the second bedroom instead of it just being full of boxes. Which would make it so much easier to have friends come over and stay the night. Or anything really.

Today is now Tuesday December 20, 2022

And we are laying around until my husband has to do fucking WORK ON HIS VACATION. BECAUSE THE RADIO STATION IS INCOMPETENT AND ITS GONNA CHANGE. SYARTED IN JANUARY. NEW NYEAR NEW RULES. That's the plan anyway.

After he does his work in Alabama on the road on vacation in a hotel we will be going to see my cousin which is probly the best part of the trip ngl.

I'm gonna post this. I'm surprised I even got one half of the blogging done already. I have a lot more to say obvioisly but this is a good start.

Monday December 12, 2022

Ok guys I am having what I can only describe as a slow burn panic attacks. It's going. And it's been going for a few days. It gets a little worse sometimes (like yesterday afternoon) this morning I'm having a hard time. I guess it could be assorted anxiety attacks but it feels like it's rolling up to something huge.

I'm having to literally ration my anxiety medication because this new doctor does not approve of prescribing it for long term management of anxiety. I don't know what she thinks I am doing with this medicine. I take it sparingly. I'm not taking it every day just when I have attacks. I didn't get to talk to her long she literally got dropped all of my previous doctors patients into her lap like days before the appointments. I didnt even try to get her to talk extensively with me I only had a 15 min appointment. I don't talk to her until January. I don't know how to go about asking about my medicine without sounding like someone who is abusing the damn stuff because that's what they're assuming everyone is doing. So I haven't called the damn people about it I will just wait and see what the duck happens.

Basically I dont know how much longer I will even have anxiety medication and I might be looking for another doctor which will cause a gap in my medicine anyway. And doctor hunting for anxiety medication just.looks.like.bad news to Amy doctor I might even be trying to see. So I've GOT THAT GOING FOE ME NEXT YEAR.

ALSO BECAUSE CAR DECIDED TO BREAK DOWN COMPLETELY I AM UNABLE TO GET MY CLARINET INTO THE SHOP TO GET IT FIXED (NOT ENOUGH MONEY) WHICH WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING I HAD TO LOOK FORWARD TO NEXT YEAR. JOINING A BAND. SO FUCK THAT TOO.

I am running around in circles trying to pack and clean and keep house and I have four different to do lists and two packing lists. And now I have what seem like it might be  migraine or close enough to one to shut me down for most of the day.

On top of everything is my eating disorder literally ruining every fucking day of my life for weeks now.

My period showed up FIVE DAYS LATE. I AM BLOATED. I CANNOT POOP. I ATE TOO MUCH FOR A FEW DYAS BECAUSE OF MY PERIOD COMING AND CRAVINGS AND NEEDING TO APPEAR NORMAL AND NON DISORDERED IN FRONT OF FAMILY NOW I AM LITERALLY FIVE LBS MORE THAN I WAS LAST WEDNESDAY.

LONG STORY SHORT I AM NOT OK AND I HAVE NO TIME IN WHICH TO GET OK BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR OUR TRIP. AND AFTER OUR TRIP IS MORE "UN-OKAYNESS"

if I make it past Christmas without a SERIOUS mental break down I will be in shock because I haven't felt this unhinged in literally years.

wednesday november 30, 2022

 i havent been updating because not much has been happening other than me trying to lose weight and find purpose in my life.

decorating for the holidays has come in handy but after thats over i will need something else to fill the void and we are trying to get my clarinet fixed so i can join a community band in the new year.

my car needed a lot of maintenance just now so that really bothered me because i have a weird anxiety about not having freedom to go places even though it makes me anxious to go to NEW places, i can handle the places i have been to before and have become comfortable with which is as always will be hobby lobby, dollar tree, and walmart. so that is the extent of my adventuring for now.

if i get into a community band i will have to drive to rehearsals and what not so that will be a thing.

the whole telehealth thing because of covid is really great and all but it makes people like me isolate even more when we have nothing to go out into the world for. like its kind of sick and twisted. the theleheatlth is thriving on us right now like...a parasite?

anyways i havent slept much the past two days and i feel really speedy and i think i might be hypo manic. i need to slow down and sleep and im gonna have to take a lot of OTC sleep medicine for that because it doesnt acutally as well as the prescription i was getting with my old doctor and the new one wont let me have it because i was on anxiety medication and now.. the NEW doctor that replaced that one told me that she doesn't even prescribe anxiety medication like that and like wtf. i have to find a new doctor probably and it was so hard to find the one i had in the first place and i just NEED A LITTLE HELP from someone to get this all straightened out before i run out of anxiety medication refills altogether????

i am excited to be going back to alabama in mid december and i hope the trip goes well but i am so anxious about food and driving and social stuff and i dont have enough medicine for the anxiety probably so i can't take it in the mean time to try and have some in december and just

ITS A LOT AND I AM TRYING MY BEST

Sat november 5, 2022

 So today is a binge day. cheat day. whatever you wanna call it day. i am eating so much and i know i will regret it tomorrow and for days.

my husband and i are having an off day today. our plans didn't work out because I didn't feel like it and then he didn't either and now we are just at home. 

I feel like i ruined his day but he says its not me. D=

idk

i'm counting down the days until i go see my parents and my family. 

i decorated the apartment and the patio for harvest/thanksgiving/november and i've start getting small christmas decorations but i dont wanna get a bunch of stuff for the tree until i know exactly how big or small it is and we are getting it from my mother in law so we dont know yet. it's something she has and is giving to us.

i'm not sure if i wanna do a theme for the tree. they have sets of decorations that are all... pink. or purple. or red and green. or gold and blue. all different options. but i really feel like i just wanna get what ever ornaments feel cute to me at the time. a mixture of stuff. maybe get a special ornament for Lilly and like... a hello kitty one. or a baby yoda one. i had some ornaments from when i did a small tree in my bedroom in my mid 20s but they're lost or something. i had a white glittery owl and a hello kitty one and i bought one of those "baby's first christmas" customizable ornaments the first christmas we had Lilly. really wish i could find that one the most. i got it when i was dating someone else but its still special because she was my baby then and shes still my baby now.

other random sometimes stupid ornaments. i can't even remember them. 

i keep forgetting that there's a fake tree that was nana's at my brothers house and the cardboard had been covered in cat piss so... idk if the tree smells horrible or not. if it doesn't i'd like to salvage the tree and get another container for it. just because it was nana's. 

i bought to strands of christmast lights. they say they're 19 feet long a piece so lol.. that should be plenty for a smaller sized tree and also for outside decorations on the patio, however i didn't check to see if the lights are safe for outdoor use so ugh. i might just have to indoor strands and tack the second strand to the walls of the livingroom in a design. maybe make the outline of a tree on the dining room wall area or something.

if i had a good ladder i would line the wall where the wall meets the ceiling in some part of the livingroom. hell maybe even the bedroom because i love christmas lights as nightlights. i hate sleeping in the dark.

wednesday oct 19, 2022

 nothing much is happening.

my husband and i are dieting.

i'm obsessing about decorating for the holidays because that's pretty much all i have to look forward to.

i've told my mom about when we will be available and traveling to see everyone in december. and i told her to tell my family that they either need to figure out a day for the family gathering that works for us or plan to see us sometime on another day we are there. we waited for them to tell us a day for the gathering and they wont pin down a day and i know it's really early but we have a lot to schedule around.

it comes down to a if you want to see me you need to make an effort because i am making am effort by coming back to visit and i dont know i'm just getting really bad feelings about it. and its supposed to be a good thing to go home and visit family. especially on holidays times and like... i'm just getting really upset about it. i can't enjoy it. and i cant enjoy being away from them either so i'm just... i have no joy anymore. yet again. despite the new medicine. despite the increase in the new medicine. 

i am crying a lot lately and i dont know what to do about it.

i'm afraid to tell my psychologist.

my psychiatrist left or was let got of the place i was so i have to start over with someone new there who apparently doesnt plan on prescribing me my anxiety medication so i will probably also have to find a new mental health place.

so like yeah nothing is happening but bad stuff is happening i dont know.

happy halloween

sept 28, 2022 ---wednesday

Last weekend my husband and I went to red lobster for a dinner date on saturday and that was lovely, i was able to find something on the menu that i felt ok eating.

on sunday we met his grandmother for her birthday at a restaurant, and since i'm in some sort of a relapse on my eating disorder it was a very tough time for me. this restaurant  didn't have their calories on the menu and the portion sizes were iffy but i managed to handle it... i wasn't very pleasant and i feel bad because i know i ruined his grandmothers birthday.  i love his grandmother and if it wasn't that we dont know how many more birthdays she will be around for... i would have probably skipped the gathering because of how i am lately because of food. but i didn't want to miss what could be the last time she has a little party on her birthday. and i'm sorry i was such a downer with my mood and irritability. the restaurant and noise and food was just a lot for me at that time.

i was much better on the day before, saturday. 

i think maybe it was that is was two days in a row.

this weekend we are meeting my husband's father for lunch on saturday so i have another hurdle i have to jump over... and then hopefully nothing else troubling until the holidays???

i have been cooking dinner every night for weeks now and i am so happy!

i really enjoy the meal planning on sunday and the organization of it all. it makes me feel useful and happy!

I ended up cancelling my endoscopy because of the bill they were going to send us. I am doing mostly ok with the medications I am taking right now so I just need to meet the Gastroenterologist to tell her what is happening and to get her to write refills of the medications she has prescribed me. i ended up re trying another over the counter medicine and it seems to be working with my new diet (i'm eating less and avoiding reflux aggravating foods) so i think i can manage on what i am taking now. if i have any new pain or anything i will let them know but i think i am ok. and not doing that endoscopy is going to save us a LOT of money. i cant even imagine spending that much money on a test to tell me when i know i already have just because i am at a new doctor. i dont know.

my husband has been dieting and is doing great and i am so proud of him!!! i hope he can keep it up, i will do my best to cheer him on if i can.

i have a lot of house cleaning to do on friday to make sure the apartment looks ok saturday.

the weather has been amazing here lately. nice and cool. a little breezy. i've been trying to go for walks every afternoon if i can. sometimes i see people who make me nervous and i end up coming back inside. but i've just been walking on the sidewalks around the apartment complex. for about 20 mins at a time. should go up to 30 mins but i just get really paranoid that people are watching me. and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

i've been having trouble falling asleep lately. i dont know what to do. i need better ear plugs or something maybe

thursday sept 8, 2022

 so the dieting is going ok. I've lost some weight and i haven't had many big binge days so far. i just hope i can keep it up.

this friday is my wedding anniversary. SIX YEARS!!! i have never been so happy. it's been a rough ride but it's been the best six years of my life and i am so excited for our future. on saturday we are going out to another bigger city and having a nice dinner somewhere and going to a book store or a mall or something. 

i'm supposed to not count calories on that day but i am going to have a really hard time not counting. like i will eat more than my diet meal plan. definitely. it's a special day. a very special day. but i will be counting the calories. plus the app we use to manage our dieting congratulates us when we have a streak of logging calories every day. haha. so its like... do i wanna lose my streak? no.

i feel like i'm not doing enough house work lately but... next week is the first week in months that i have ZERO appointments. so i will make a point to deep clean the house next week,

one thing that has really been bothering me is my dentist his a nerve in my tongue with the lidocaine needle to numb my mouth for filling cavities. and its stayed numb for over a week. it's still numb now.... BUT it's not as numb as it was before so it's getting better. i've looked it up and he told me also so i know that it must be true that the odds of permanent  damage as astronomical. like so very slim that i shouldn't even be worrying about it but i am a worrier.

plus one thing about me dieting is i really want my food to taste intense and... i can't taste things properly because my taste buds on the left side of my tongue aren't working properly. so i keep wanting to eat more to find something to satisfy my need to TASTE SOMETHING. it's incredibly frustrating. but i am managing. plus it getting better now. i just hope it doesn't stop. it needs to completely heal or i will definitely lose my mind.

i've been decorating my planner and journal and making art collages. I even made myself two bracelets.

I'm trying to stay busy as much as I can.

OH i got a library card finally and checked out a book. the library is small so i'm a little disappointed. but it's better than nothing. the book i got is a collection of shot stories by Neil Gaiman and i need to put some more effort into reading it. however it isn't due until october 4th so i have some time.

here's some photos from recently

my hair is like a magnificent lions main and i wanna cut it but i also dont wanna cut it. lol

i have predecorated my planner because i love it and need something to do. here is decembers monthly view

here is a week in november. i know my planner isn't a nice and neat as everyone elses but i dont care very much i do it for me. <3 

Wednesday August 24, 2022 -- HUMP DAYYYYY

 Not very much has changed. The world is still on fire lol

bought this for my husband to put on his desk at work. it's a candle from dollar tree (costs $3 or $5 can't remember. its their new higher quality stuff) we will trim the wick off the top so it looks like a normal skull

here is a collage of my art journal magazine collages haha. i was bored and needed something to do.

this was a few weeks ago but i felt pretty that day?

we are working on getting my car title in my husbands name.. and it tagged and everything here set up for good. buying a car across state lines while needing a new tag the same month is crazy. and they want so many notary things done. we are little having to take photos of documents and signing them and send them back and forth between my parents and us (my parents are selling us the car) and the court house says it will work so.... ok.... seem shady but if they say it'll work its fine i guess.

I'm doing pretty good with my mood and house work and my anxiety isnt that bad.

My husband and I are still dieting. I'm on a very slippery slope with my calorie counting and obsession. we shall see what happens with my eating disorder issues

It's gonna take a lot of work to keep myself eating enough but not too much or too little. have ed-nos (now know as atypical anorexia) is a very strange thing

i just bought new washi tape. and then i bought some more. the first batch was just for fun cause i thought they were adorable. the second stuff was for decorating my planner and journal for christmas and november. i will probably need more november sticks because i used almost all of the ones i bought.

i hope i can find some cheap halloween sticks for october. i already have my black cat washi in my planner and orange washi but i want some jack-o-lanterns and pumpkins to add to my fall leaves that i bought for november. the normal pumpkins can be used for october and november because of harvest and thanksgiving.

here's my november planner layout spread with the washi and autumn stickers

the christmas stuff and some fall stickers

and now that i have my photos backing up to google like i should have been and i've figured out how to use this properly... i can pull images from my phone photos google gallery and add them to my posts! 

here are my stickers and washi tape!!!!

i need more fall/halloween sticks. i went to hobby lobby and they dont do halloween because they're Christian owned *eye roll* but they have great stuff for thanksgiving and fall and harvest season stuff

I guess I am done with this entry. I had more to say than i thought I did when I started. lol

Thursday August 11, 2022

so the world is on fire but we are still living obviously.

I got my medication adjusted and i am doing better. 

my weight has gotten out of hand so i am dieting and trying to do it healthy and proper and not relapse on my eating disorder. its going to be hard. my husband is dieting with me to so maybe that will help. we both need to take better care of ourselves.

its hard to try and eat enough to be considered healthy and not too little to be a restrictive diet that could lead to me relapsing.

i've been playing a game and its been helpful to take up my time during the day. it's a very cute game but the game play isn't that great. i have a lot of complaints with it and i know now better what i want in a game so next time i purchase one i will go online and look at reviews to make sure the game is a right fit for me.

my husband and i bought tshirt that say "kentucky strong" on them and to proceeds go to help the flood victims. there was a horrible historical level flood event here recently and its absolutely devastating. the photos from the flood look like the photos after hurricane katrina's flood levy fail and flooded all the neighborhoods. it happened between midnight and dawn so it was all in the dark. basically if you didn't have a weather radio or your phone set for alert you didnt even know it was coming. it is such a horrible thing and it's just another things to add to the list of horrible things that have happened in the past few years.

I am trying to be better about the house work. 

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I've not been washing my face and doing my skin care routine but I have an app that I have set goals and reminders on so I hope that will help me remember to do these things. I paid for the full version of the app to unlock all the feature so I am making sure i use it to its fullest extent. Its basically a mood journal and habit tracker and goal tracker. it very neat and ive been using the free version daily for over almost 200 days and i've used it in the past for long streaks of time so i figured it might be a good investment for me if it's helping me keep motivated to do my daily things.

my parents are supposed to come up here and visit in the next month or so and i am excited. i haven't seen them since January and I miss my dad very very much.

I recently got some work done on my car and it was the first time i've done that because my dad has always been the only person to work on my cars so its was like.... do i trust this person with my baby? lol

 

sunday july 10, 2022 -- world is still hot mess

 world will continue to be hot mess

my body my choice

June 26, 2022 the world is a hot mess right now

 They have over turned Roe v. Wade. this country just took oh so many steps backward 

This ruling doesn't stop abortions from happen, it just stops them from happening safely. Women will die.

The thing that bothers me the most is that there are literally, apparently, tons of women... who do not respect themselves enough to let themselves choose what happens to their own bodies. like.... i can't even... wrap my head around that. they think so little of themselves that they dont even think they should have the right to choose what happens to their body. Because this is not about babies. This is not about saving babies. This is about controlling people. Controlling women. And it won't stop there, they'll attack Trans rights and Gay rights too. 

in other news this past week has been the week from hades

i had an appointment almost every day. or something was happening. on monday my husband was off work for Juneteenth. Tuesday we cooked dinner and watched stranger things. wednesday I had an appoint with my general practitioner to review my blood work. My iron is low and my vitamin d is low. I have been able to get vitamins d, but the iron supplements are not being filled by the pharmacy for some reason and i can only assume it something stupid because this insurance we have keep throwing up road block everytime i get a new prescription.

on thursday I had therapy with my psychologist at 9am and a dentist appoint at 2pm -- I thought i was just getting cavities filled but the talked to me and decided it would be faster and easier to pull the next tooth and then i could get the impressions for my partial to get made so i can look like a i have a normal smile again.

on friday i went to a new counseling service for some counseling on a very specific matter that i was not getting help for with my other therapists and what not. 

so many appointments! i opened a can of worms here and i dont like it. haha

i have restarted a stardew valley farm and it is very much making me happy right now.

Wed June 15, 2022

 So today I had an emergency dentist appointment to remove my tooth that was, by all means, going to have to come out anyway. but even after the antibiotic the pain didn't go away so it was time to pull it.

I havent had a tooth pulled while I was awake as long as I can remember! All my other teeth I had went to the surgeon and been put to sleep. This was quite an experience! Was not painful at all, though. And the lady was so cool and wonderful. She reminds me of a character on Greys Anatomy, haha.

So the experience was a long one, my tooth root was actually hooked at the end and made it quite difficult to pull out, but it eventually came. She showed me to tooth so I could see the root and why it was so difficult. The only feeling I had was pressure as she wiggled it loose gradually. 

I have to say it feel pretty good to have gotten a tooth thing taken care of WITHOUT being knocked out unconscious and having the rest of the day lost in sleep and nonsense because of anesthesia wearing off.

I am wide awake and I'm not hurting. I feel absolutely fine. And there is much less bleeding than when they cut out teeth. obviously because there's... not cutting when you just pull it, i guess.

I dropped my phone flat on its face on the kitchen tile and the screen is shattered. it's a spider web crack so it's... it usable but i dont know how long it will hold up. my husband and i have to decide if we want to get our own phone plan, which would make the most sense. but the process is more complicated that normal because of a few different things so we are having to wait and talk to some people before we can get anything done. All I hope is my phone keeps working until I get a new one because it's the only way I am getting calls and messages about my appointments. The doctors dont know how else to reach me and I have no other way of setting alarm reminders for my appointments either.

tonight is Obi-Wan Kenobi night. so my husband and i will be watching this weeks episode when he gets home from work. 

oh fridays we are watching on episode of the new Stranger Things at a time, so we dont blow through it all.

Saturday May 21, 2022

 So lets see... since my last post..

We went to the movies and saw the Dr Strange movie and it was fantastic!!!

I had the videochat with my friend and i was amazing and we plan to do it again soon.

I had therapy with my psychologist and it went great, she is loving that I am taking the CBT so seriously. and now I have to memorize some stuff for her which I am scared I wont be able to because my memory is so bad but I am going to do the best I can do.

I am reading two book right now. one is a palahniuk book and the other is a collection of articles about spiritual stuff.

my husband ordered a book for me to read and it has arrived so after i finish this book  I will read the one he ordered because it is a continuation of the last book i read. I just started another book waiting on this one to get delivered. it doesn't matter so much, i've read them all before. i'm just re reading for my pleasure

tomorrow we are having my husbands dad over here and he is going to drop off some stuff he's built for us, and after that we re going out to eat with him. i am very nervous but its something i need to do.

Thursday May 5, 2022

 I should have updated before now but Ive been so busy!

since i last updated I have had therapy twice-- getting into actual CBT therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. my therapist is sending me stuff to print out so i can study and make notes and its really making me happy and scratching an itch i have to feel like i'm in school and learning something.

my husband and I went to the movies and saw a funny movie. Also we had dinner out somewhere that was.. less than enjoyable for me but I'm looking at it as an exercise in pushing the limits of what I can and cant do with my anxiety,

I'm trying to do more cooking. Also I am reading a lot more, or I was until I got my CBT homework to focus on. I am up to 6 books read so far this year.

This week has been busy. on monday I went to the post office and mailed of several cards for mothers day and a letter to a penpal. then i did some errands.

on tuesday i did a big thing and drove myself to an urgent care clinic that did referrals to other places and it was so hard but I did it! i have trouble trusting google maps but it was ok this time. The place i went told me they dont usually do referrals for my specific problem but they "called in a favor" so i got a referral to the Gastroenterology specialist at the near by hospital.

yesterday i tried to take a "me time" day but i felt rushed and busy the whole day anyway.

last night we watched the season finale of a show we had been watching and had pizza, which i shouldn't really be eating given my stomach problems. also my dad called me which was really nice! it was star wars day (may the 4th be with you) and that's the first thing he said to me on the phone, haha.

today i had therapy-- telehealth of course. it went great! i'm so excited to work more thoroughly on my mental processes that make me so anxious and depressed and... well, awkward and weird I guess.

tomorrow i am baking brownies for saturday, and saturday we are visiting my husbands mother for mother's day and having a little cookout with her and some family.

on sunday i will do laundry and we plan to go to the movies to see the new Doctor Strange movie. Multiverse of Madness. I love Scarlet Witch/Wanda so I am really excited to see this movie.

Next week i have a video chat with a friend scheduled for tuesday so that is really exciting!

i'm sorry to be so short but I don't have much time to do stuff these days it feels like.  

thursday april 14, 2022

 this week, and last week, have been absolutely ridiculously horrible.

lots of things going on. lots of complicated and bad things going on.

my drivers license expired and i need more documentation to get it now than i would have before, which sent us on a wild goose chase to find some stuff to get more identification. And then last minute we realized we already had what we were searching for. so that was a huge mess but funny, in a way.

my cousin recently had a crisis with her child and they were in the hospital, and then she got to go home to rest until the scheduled surgery. but she started feeling sick again and well, my cousin and i are basically sisters. she has little to no one to rely on to help her take care of her kids (she has two) so i was getting ready to haul ass to alabama to help take care of her other child incase the other one ended up back in the hospital again.

we have had a lot of car trouble lately. and i've been helping my husband out by driving him around and picking him up from work and taking him places which is fine. i just dont know how to get anywhere here so i have to use google maps for everything.

this weekend on saturday we are going to visit my husbands mother for easter weekend, and i will do all our shopping on sunday along with the laundry.

and today is my father in laws birthday. i told my husband to tell him happy birthday and if i could i would give him some of that fancy dark chocolate. he loves dark chocolate.

Wednesday March 30, 2022

 Last week started with my husband getting what we thought was food poisoning, so I took care of him and doted over him. but by wednesday it was clear that it was not food poisoning because I, too, got sick.

it was a stomach flu or something.

I didn't vomit a lot bit I did a lot of other things (poop)

And the pain.... my legs were aching. the muscles were hurting, it felt like they were being pulled from the bones it hurt so bad.

On monday my husband somehow managed to pull off a job from home while he was sick and it went really well, and in retrospect... he has actually little to no memory of it happening.

Lately I've been watching the second season of Bridgerton, Minx, and The Dropout on Hulu.

my husband and I finished season one of Gilded Age on HBO and we both love it. It's by the people who did Downton Abbey.

My cousin's daughter is in the hospital and she is very very sick. We all have been praying and she isnt getting any better and they arent making any headway either.

I miss my dad more than I thought I would. The other night I was crying about it and my husband messaged my mom and had my dad call me. I didn't have much to say and i was stuffy from crying and it was a horrible but also much needed phone call.

To top that, my car's check engine light has come on and before now the only person allowed to work on my cars has been my dad and now, he can't. so i'm...i dont know it just bring up a lot of feels. like i'm losing him even more.

monday march 14, 2022

 Well Last week I was on FIRE. House wife of the year.

this past weekend not so much.

I just laid in bed. 

My wonderful husband cooked and washed dishes. I think I just burnt myself out trying so hard to be perfect last week. I woke up and did make up and chores and errands and tried to be perky all the time and let me tell you, its exhausting.

Am i allowed some down time where all i wanna do is lay in bed? does that mean i'm back stepping on my mental health recovery? i sure hope not because i need that down time or i will lose my mind.

i'm dragging my feet on finding a therapist. the last lady i called actually called back and told me she was over loaded with clients and couldn't take me but told me a website to go to. she said they don't do phone call stuff, that everything is online. which is kinda weird for me. idk. you think i'd be ok with that haha

so i guess after this, i will hop on that website and see what's up with that. she said its what she was part of and there's quite a few therapists on there.

i kept up with my self care routine last week really good too. but over the weekend i didn't. but usually i'm all wash face in morning, spf moisturizer, make up (if i wear it), at night i wash my face take my make up off (even my eye make up) use my night time moisturizer. also i have an eye cream now! am i old yet!? lol

thursday february 24, 2022

So tomorrow I have an appointment with what I hope will be the long term place I will be getting my medication at. the place I went to before was a short term care facility that is only for emergency type situations, like i had, which was a gap in my medicine between doctors.

I dont know if this place has therapists or not, so if not I will be searching for a therapist. when we originally started looking for place I wrote down the name of a few places and doctors and one I wrote down was a legit Psychologist, which might be really good for me. I have some trauma to work on and maybe some more serious approach would be helpful. I'm going to think about it.

My nails are growing out again and I am sad because I haven't been able to paint my nail properly since we moved, I keep messing it up. I want to go get my nails done on the regular but I also dont want to pay a fortune. If I can keep my nails grown out a normal manicure with a gel like nail polish might stand up and not chip off. The reason I wanted to do acrylic is because it will stay nice. but they make really strong good gel polish might stay on my nails. I wash a LOT of dishes and I know you can wear gloves (I have some really cute ones) but I dont feel like I can grip the dishes as well and I'm afraid I'll drop them)

anyway

I am supposed to vacuum today but I dont really want to and the floors are pretty clean.

I have started using oil in my hair again because my hair is getting dry. when I grow it out it apparently gets dry. I know it did when I grew it out last time, so I guess that's just how my hair is and I never really noticed cause I kept my hair in a bun so much for so long. 

Wearing my hair down makes me feel powerful and confident. Just like putting on make up does. It boosts my self esteem so much. So I have been doing that when I feel down.

I'm still doing my face skin care routine. Nothing fancy at all. Just an oil free acne treating cleanser because my skin is oily, and a moisturizer for oily skin. I usually only wash my face at night, but if its oily I'll wash it during the day and use an astringent and then the moisturizer because believe it or not, stripping you skin of its natural oils makes it produce more oils. its weird. I went so long so the bare minimum makeup and skin care and my skin was absolutely fine, i think because I wasn't messing with it and stripping the natural oils or adding stuff to clog pores. But having a skin care routine, even a small one, gives my day structure and I need that to feel productive. Which is kind of what I'm doing with my hair care and the hair oil. I'm brushing my hair more than i used to. I used to just put it in a bun between washings and not do anything with it. But now I'm taking care of it. Which is good. I need to take care of myself, because I went so long not doing it.

this past saturday we had some friends over for a house warming party of sorts. my husband fried fish and some shrimp and it was SOOOOO good. we also went shopping with them and went to the peddlers mall and I got TWO white kitty figurines and a little pot to put in my curio cabinet.

I love the cats. And the pot was such a cute find for 25 cents!!! it looks as if maybe the cats are from the same line of stuff. they're so similar.

wanted to post some photos - Feb 8, 2022

Here's some images from here lately.

Lilly in Nana's chair she picked out for her living room. RIP nana

Lamp we got at Good Will. Nice lamp. Vintage.

little bowl I got for Miss Lilly to eat her dry food out of

started decorating a bit with my old vintage stuff. Lol

Here's my baby girl sitting with me.

and here's a photo of me. I've been putting on make up and doing my hair and it makes me feel better about myself. And i'm doing it for me, not for others. This new therapist wants to work on body image a good bit I think. Which will be.... A very new thing for me.

Feb 7, 2022

 So we are trying to get everything transitioned to here when it comes to my mental health and physical health.

The place I want to see a therapist at might not be able to prescribe me my anxiety medication, because it's a controlled substance. So I'm running into that problem again. The therapist gave me a list of other places I could go to for medication management incase they wont do it for me, so at least they're trying?

I haven't been able to get my stomach medicine filled here with the new insurance. They dont want to cover it. Because it's expensive I guess. But it's the only thing i've found that works so, since I had an approval with it before they are supposed to call back in alabama and try and get that to cover for here too since its the same prescription-- just a refill of it. 

My therapist today was nice. Very skinny. Blonde. it kind of made me feel like a fat lump and I dont know how well that will sit with me trying to talk to her about my eating disorder and body image issues because.... well, she's perfection looking at me and talking to me and I can't really separate beauty and thinness and worthiness. it's all messed up in my head. And I dont know if this therapist is going to be a good fit for me, I am going to try but I won't be surprised if I end up having to find help elsewhere.

so that's today... I swept the kitchen and dining room

Tomorrow I clean the whole kitchen and make lots of phone calls. I have an errand or two to run. The post office is one of them.

self care attempts

I'm attempting to keep up a morning and evening skin care routine. And I don't know how long I will be able to stick to it but trying it out is giving me some serotonin boost so I like it so far. Self care etc. I bought oil free face cleanser... and The mourning face lotion I'm using has spf in it and is for sensitive skin... and the evening moisturizer has sacylic acid In it Because I have oily skin most of the time. I have some other cleansers for more specific needs like if I'm having a really bad acne break out, or my skin is dry and I need more moisturizing cleanser.

I also use astringent because... Again, I'm oily.

But I am taking steps to replace the natural oil I am inadvertently stripping my face of with all these products.

Also now that I'm older the cold weather is drying my skin out so bad I can't even explain it. Never experienced this before in my life. My hands are so dry because they are the main things out in the weather when it's cold. I have jackets and what nots. But no gloves.

So I'm using my hempseed oil lotion. Also dermasil. And dermasil with cocoa butter.

The HEMPZ lotion is my favorite whipped body cream.. smells like grapefruit. Goes on smooth and no oily residue.

WE FINALLY GOT (MOST) OF OUR STUFF

 So except for the stuff that the movers wouldn't move, we have all our stuff. Now we just have to go through the boxes and try to find everything.

My Father-in-law came and installed the washer and dryer, I am so thankful he hasn't been such a huge help. And he's so nice and fun. It's been nice to be around him.

Today we went shopping and ended up spending a TON but it was on stuff we needed for Lilly, such as a new awesome litter box and a huge box of canned cat food. A cat scratch pad and cat nip. Cat litter.

It was a fur baby day.

We haven't enough space for some of the stuff we have left back home so we will probably have to get a storage unit here for it, because there's no way we cant get all out bookshelves into a two bedroom apartment. We have so much stuff. Books mostly. We love books and it's been.... hard to see the movers bring in all our stuff and know it's mostly... books. I think. I'm pretty sure.

Anyways here's some photos.

not the best photos but they were taken quickly for my friends so I didn't "stage" them

today was a big day!

I did so much big girl stuff today. I picked a new mental health clinic for myself and got an appointment. Got paperwork emailed to me.

I met a neighbor who was parking in the handicapped parking and talked to him about parking in a normal spot because it's literally right in front of our door and my husband has a handicap tag. He said there never was any body handicapped here for years so they just started parking there but he will gladly park somewhere else. In exchange I will park somewhere else because I had been parking right in front of his door where he usually park and didn't know it. Lol so we are kind of trading spaces in a way.

I went to the shopping complex where Dollar tree is and went into the pet store and looked around. Talked to the cashier. Went into game stop and asked about switch joy con fixing or buying. I went into a consignment shop and looked around just cause it was there. And then I went to dollar tree and bought some more random stuff for the apartment. Two heart shaped plastic bins from the valentine's days stuff. And a wall art thing for Valentine's day that I intend to hang on the door when I get more of those removable command hook things. I got a hand mirror so I can see the back of my hair when I do my hair.

Oh and before all this I went to dollar general and got toilet paper, bathroom cleaner, razors so I can shave (all of mine are in the moving truck)

I'm starting a diet today and I feel pretty good.

Also did some stretches. And will be looking for some kind of light work out plan. Just to get myself going. This isn't a new years resolution... It's a new apartment new life thing. My weight has gotten out of control and I am at risk for diabetes. Among other things. So this is what's best for me. I will feel better when my food scale gets here so I can weigh out my food portions instead of having prepackaged stuff most of the time. I don't even have a measuring cup, I'm just using a plain coffee cup and hoping for the best when measuring cereal or liquids.

I have a good feeling about the mental health place. They know I've been seeing someone before and already have medicines I'm on so that's makes me feel better. They have been prompt in calling me back. I haven't had to wait. And they can see me before the end of the month apparently. So this is really great.

So anyways... Yes this was copied from a Facebook update haha. Two birds one stone.

WE MADE IT!

 unfortunately, our stuff with the movers has not. So we've been "camping" in our apartment. haha

It's great though! i'm nesting as best I can without all our stuff. lol "nesting"

I cannot thank my Father-in-law enough for his help in all this. And his wife, who has given us bedding. I am very grateful.

I just drove to the store by myself for the first time. My husband went to work for the first time today. I hope he has a good time, he was a bit nervous this morning and yesterday.

My cat was so miserable on the drive here, the medicine they gave us for her didn't work as well as I had hoped, but she wasn't that bad. Everytime I left her side to go take a bathroom break on the drive she started howling because she didn't know where I was. Poor baby.

And the first two days we were here she wouldn't leave my side. She is so attached to me and I didn't even realize how much until we moved. I am her safe place just as much as she is mine.

My husband has been amazing and I just hope this feeling will continue. I'm away from a lot of the things that give me anxiety and upset me all the time. The thing I miss most is my family and especially my Dad. My dad is my world and to not see him is really really hard on me. I've been texting him but he doesnt text much in general. I called him yesterday and we chatted. 

Oh and the very first full day we were here it snowed a TON. Dad wanted pictures of that haha

I hadn't seen real snow in over ten years. Not since 2010 when I was in Massachusetts that one winter.

Anyways, I'm gonna end this with some photos from the move and shortly after we got here. A lot of snow pics.

ok they uploaded in reverse chronological order, lol oh well