sept 28, 2022 ---wednesday

Last weekend my husband and I went to red lobster for a dinner date on saturday and that was lovely, i was able to find something on the menu that i felt ok eating.

on sunday we met his grandmother for her birthday at a restaurant, and since i'm in some sort of a relapse on my eating disorder it was a very tough time for me. this restaurant  didn't have their calories on the menu and the portion sizes were iffy but i managed to handle it... i wasn't very pleasant and i feel bad because i know i ruined his grandmothers birthday.  i love his grandmother and if it wasn't that we dont know how many more birthdays she will be around for... i would have probably skipped the gathering because of how i am lately because of food. but i didn't want to miss what could be the last time she has a little party on her birthday. and i'm sorry i was such a downer with my mood and irritability. the restaurant and noise and food was just a lot for me at that time.

i was much better on the day before, saturday. 

i think maybe it was that is was two days in a row.

this weekend we are meeting my husband's father for lunch on saturday so i have another hurdle i have to jump over... and then hopefully nothing else troubling until the holidays???

i have been cooking dinner every night for weeks now and i am so happy!

i really enjoy the meal planning on sunday and the organization of it all. it makes me feel useful and happy!

I ended up cancelling my endoscopy because of the bill they were going to send us. I am doing mostly ok with the medications I am taking right now so I just need to meet the Gastroenterologist to tell her what is happening and to get her to write refills of the medications she has prescribed me. i ended up re trying another over the counter medicine and it seems to be working with my new diet (i'm eating less and avoiding reflux aggravating foods) so i think i can manage on what i am taking now. if i have any new pain or anything i will let them know but i think i am ok. and not doing that endoscopy is going to save us a LOT of money. i cant even imagine spending that much money on a test to tell me when i know i already have just because i am at a new doctor. i dont know.

my husband has been dieting and is doing great and i am so proud of him!!! i hope he can keep it up, i will do my best to cheer him on if i can.

i have a lot of house cleaning to do on friday to make sure the apartment looks ok saturday.

the weather has been amazing here lately. nice and cool. a little breezy. i've been trying to go for walks every afternoon if i can. sometimes i see people who make me nervous and i end up coming back inside. but i've just been walking on the sidewalks around the apartment complex. for about 20 mins at a time. should go up to 30 mins but i just get really paranoid that people are watching me. and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

i've been having trouble falling asleep lately. i dont know what to do. i need better ear plugs or something maybe

thursday sept 8, 2022

 so the dieting is going ok. I've lost some weight and i haven't had many big binge days so far. i just hope i can keep it up.

this friday is my wedding anniversary. SIX YEARS!!! i have never been so happy. it's been a rough ride but it's been the best six years of my life and i am so excited for our future. on saturday we are going out to another bigger city and having a nice dinner somewhere and going to a book store or a mall or something. 

i'm supposed to not count calories on that day but i am going to have a really hard time not counting. like i will eat more than my diet meal plan. definitely. it's a special day. a very special day. but i will be counting the calories. plus the app we use to manage our dieting congratulates us when we have a streak of logging calories every day. haha. so its like... do i wanna lose my streak? no.

i feel like i'm not doing enough house work lately but... next week is the first week in months that i have ZERO appointments. so i will make a point to deep clean the house next week,

one thing that has really been bothering me is my dentist his a nerve in my tongue with the lidocaine needle to numb my mouth for filling cavities. and its stayed numb for over a week. it's still numb now.... BUT it's not as numb as it was before so it's getting better. i've looked it up and he told me also so i know that it must be true that the odds of permanent  damage as astronomical. like so very slim that i shouldn't even be worrying about it but i am a worrier.

plus one thing about me dieting is i really want my food to taste intense and... i can't taste things properly because my taste buds on the left side of my tongue aren't working properly. so i keep wanting to eat more to find something to satisfy my need to TASTE SOMETHING. it's incredibly frustrating. but i am managing. plus it getting better now. i just hope it doesn't stop. it needs to completely heal or i will definitely lose my mind.

i've been decorating my planner and journal and making art collages. I even made myself two bracelets.

I'm trying to stay busy as much as I can.

OH i got a library card finally and checked out a book. the library is small so i'm a little disappointed. but it's better than nothing. the book i got is a collection of shot stories by Neil Gaiman and i need to put some more effort into reading it. however it isn't due until october 4th so i have some time.

here's some photos from recently

my hair is like a magnificent lions main and i wanna cut it but i also dont wanna cut it. lol

i have predecorated my planner because i love it and need something to do. here is decembers monthly view

here is a week in november. i know my planner isn't a nice and neat as everyone elses but i dont care very much i do it for me. <3