wednesday november 30, 2022

 i havent been updating because not much has been happening other than me trying to lose weight and find purpose in my life.

decorating for the holidays has come in handy but after thats over i will need something else to fill the void and we are trying to get my clarinet fixed so i can join a community band in the new year.

my car needed a lot of maintenance just now so that really bothered me because i have a weird anxiety about not having freedom to go places even though it makes me anxious to go to NEW places, i can handle the places i have been to before and have become comfortable with which is as always will be hobby lobby, dollar tree, and walmart. so that is the extent of my adventuring for now.

if i get into a community band i will have to drive to rehearsals and what not so that will be a thing.

the whole telehealth thing because of covid is really great and all but it makes people like me isolate even more when we have nothing to go out into the world for. like its kind of sick and twisted. the theleheatlth is thriving on us right now like...a parasite?

anyways i havent slept much the past two days and i feel really speedy and i think i might be hypo manic. i need to slow down and sleep and im gonna have to take a lot of OTC sleep medicine for that because it doesnt acutally as well as the prescription i was getting with my old doctor and the new one wont let me have it because i was on anxiety medication and now.. the NEW doctor that replaced that one told me that she doesn't even prescribe anxiety medication like that and like wtf. i have to find a new doctor probably and it was so hard to find the one i had in the first place and i just NEED A LITTLE HELP from someone to get this all straightened out before i run out of anxiety medication refills altogether????

i am excited to be going back to alabama in mid december and i hope the trip goes well but i am so anxious about food and driving and social stuff and i dont have enough medicine for the anxiety probably so i can't take it in the mean time to try and have some in december and just

ITS A LOT AND I AM TRYING MY BEST

Sat november 5, 2022

 So today is a binge day. cheat day. whatever you wanna call it day. i am eating so much and i know i will regret it tomorrow and for days.

my husband and i are having an off day today. our plans didn't work out because I didn't feel like it and then he didn't either and now we are just at home. 

I feel like i ruined his day but he says its not me. D=

idk

i'm counting down the days until i go see my parents and my family. 

i decorated the apartment and the patio for harvest/thanksgiving/november and i've start getting small christmas decorations but i dont wanna get a bunch of stuff for the tree until i know exactly how big or small it is and we are getting it from my mother in law so we dont know yet. it's something she has and is giving to us.

i'm not sure if i wanna do a theme for the tree. they have sets of decorations that are all... pink. or purple. or red and green. or gold and blue. all different options. but i really feel like i just wanna get what ever ornaments feel cute to me at the time. a mixture of stuff. maybe get a special ornament for Lilly and like... a hello kitty one. or a baby yoda one. i had some ornaments from when i did a small tree in my bedroom in my mid 20s but they're lost or something. i had a white glittery owl and a hello kitty one and i bought one of those "baby's first christmas" customizable ornaments the first christmas we had Lilly. really wish i could find that one the most. i got it when i was dating someone else but its still special because she was my baby then and shes still my baby now.

other random sometimes stupid ornaments. i can't even remember them. 

i keep forgetting that there's a fake tree that was nana's at my brothers house and the cardboard had been covered in cat piss so... idk if the tree smells horrible or not. if it doesn't i'd like to salvage the tree and get another container for it. just because it was nana's. 

i bought to strands of christmast lights. they say they're 19 feet long a piece so lol.. that should be plenty for a smaller sized tree and also for outside decorations on the patio, however i didn't check to see if the lights are safe for outdoor use so ugh. i might just have to indoor strands and tack the second strand to the walls of the livingroom in a design. maybe make the outline of a tree on the dining room wall area or something.

if i had a good ladder i would line the wall where the wall meets the ceiling in some part of the livingroom. hell maybe even the bedroom because i love christmas lights as nightlights. i hate sleeping in the dark.