Feb 11, 2023

 This has been... a really bumpy ride for the start of the year.

my mental health deteriorated in december and continued through january. i didn't talk about it in detail but in retrospect it like like a slow motion car crash.

except the waves feelings and emotions piled up higher and higher and i couldn't get a grip on it. i couldn't sleep. i went two days without sleep. and finally crashed somehow. my sensory input was overwhelmed by even the slightest thing. and if i wasnt constantly doing something the sensory feed back would loop about every three seconds. like a record skipping.  

but then again i went another two days with no such luck.

i am up for trying anything if i ever get to that point again. electroshock therapy even. i'm not afraid of it. i think it might actually help.

my sleep cycle needs to get fixed or i get batshit, basically. i know that. everybody knows that. i make SURE everyone knows that just incase i get the batshits and they dont know why.

Bipolar is a really fucking hard thing to treat. Especially bipolar type 1

I had always toyed with the idea of writing a book about my life but i didn't want to be seen as someone just jumping on the bandwagon of Woe is Me autobiographies

but i have a large source of people saying that even as little as they know from knowing me online... that i should write a book.

the problem is i already have a book i want to write and i can't find the material i collected to start it. the pre writing and all that. characters. i thought it was in this one big note book we found in the second bedroom but when i looked in there it wasn't there? 

and then there's the poetry

i have enough poetry to publish a book. i have enough life story for a autobiography of some random internet eating disorder mental illness nut.

and then i have my novel that i think is crazy cool and i would really like to work on the most but i can't find the stuff i did. so i will have to pull it out of my brain again. which is fine, i just hoped the notes i made would be there so id have one less thing to do.

the easiest thing to get published in poetry. 

the autobiography will be crazy hard to write and not call out people. i think i will write about my life up until i met my husband. because that is the bulk of what is crazy interesting bizarre. when i met my husband my life smoothed out and calmed down. thank god.

if i hadn't met my husband i would have been dead by now.

He means the world to me and when i cant function and he has to take care of me it makes me feel really really bad. because that's not how it was supposed to be. i'm supposed to take care of him. 

at anyrate..

my NPR came through on my anxiety medication so i have a huge HUUUUUUUGE feeling of relief right now.

I also got food poisoning and was sick for almost three days.

so the not being able to sleep and going loopy eased up. i cooked a meal. chicken. undercooked it. gave myself food poisoning had no idea i had done it. sick for days in bed. sleeping.

which guess what

KIND OF RESET MY BRAIN

so here i am now

i had a psychotic mental break down, avoided the looney bin, got a stomach sickness that had me basically purging everything no food just meal shakes and water and i vomited that up too.

i slept for a day or so?

i can't really remember.

but here i am.

i took a mental breakdown and food poisoning and reset my brain with massive amounts of deep fever sleep.

so should i write a book or what? ahahaha