it's been awhileeeee

 so i have... so much to say that i dont even know WHAT to say. I know no one is reading this but I am going to update anyway.

my health is slightly better but i am still struggling. we are coming to a point where we are last ditch efforting my iron deficiency anemia. after this last thing, we will have to start the process of getting expensive tests done. however i, SOMEHOW... VERY UNLIKE ME... have *faith* that this last thing will work.

which brings me to the next thing.

faith.

i seem to have... rediscovered mine? i am... not sure exactly what has changed. nothing really has. or maybe so much has i can't pinpoint it. But my life... I am just so happy. I want for nothing. I am so blessed.

I have made TWO friends. IN REAL LIFE. I .... hahaha.. don't do that. I literally dont. so... i am... i feel so much.. joy. I have made an actual friend who i can hang out with and not feel weird. I dont feel anxious or judged. I am ... I feel so fortunate to have found this person among all the people i could have met. She is a great person and I hope we can stay friends for a really long time. and the only reason we met is because of her dog!!! haha

she has a huuuuge dog. that is SO happy and excited to see new people that is scares everyone. but i was NOT scared of that big baby. and so we kept running into each other while she was walking her dog here (we live close by) and we just kept talking more and more and i think she is happy to have a friend too. The fact that i love her dog and didn't run meant a lot to her. i can tell.. because let me tell you... her dog is a HANDFUL. but i have been through that with my dad's dog Scarlet. just a big hyper baby that wants love!

also I am still playing clarinet! i am having to skip this next set of rehearsals and concert because of a travel issue but i have been meeting a friend from band to play clarinet together on mondays and.... she is amazing and i love her and... she has me meeting her at her church to practice because its convenient for both of us. can't practice at my apartment my neighbors will have a fit. lol and she is driving in from another city to meet me because she goes to church here and is here anyway. so i have been talking to her about my life and everything and i feel... a huge amount of blessed and i don't know. 

what i am trying to say is i am thinking about going to church with her. and if its not the right church for me, she understands, because i've told her about my past with the church i was raised in and also some of my beliefs and she is basically just happy if i go to church at all. she told me she would pray for me over a month ago when we first started hanging out and... well.. honestly. i think it might have worked because my life is significantly better than is has been.

there are a ton of other good things that are small but all of this is snow balling into... a great... NEED.. a feeling of being called into going back to church. i am grateful. i am blessed. and i just feel like its the right thing to do.

so anyway

haha

my husband and i are going back to get the rest of our stuff from where we lived before and i will get to see my parents... very briefly. for like one day. but its better than nothing and i am so excited. sad i wont get to see them more but so happy i am going to see them atleast one time this year other than Christmas. last year i saw them only once that december. my heart was so heavy with missing them that i binge ate myself into diabetes basically. which is one of my health problems i am now struggling with. its better. but i am still diabetic and i will be for a while unless i get things better. i lost a ton of weight but i need to lose more. its going to be a struggle but if i keep going like i'm going i'm too busy to eat! and i want to get a job too. so that is even more activity. I am unsure where i want to work but I am narrowing it down to a few places. i am going to wait until after i get back from alabama and get my band schedule for the rest of the year written down in my planner. and then i will apply and tell them when i will be busy. if they wont let me off for my performances though... i will... that will be a deal breaker for me. i can miss a rehearsal now and then. hopefully not. like i dont plan on it, but if i absolutely had to... i would.

i dont know i am filling up my week with stuff to do and getting a job would change that also.

so now i dont know actually. i mean would love to have the money and love to have that purpose in my life. but also... if i can't do the things i am doing now, i wont be happy either.

so i have a decision to make. its not an urgent decision but it needs to be made in the next month or two?

anyways i am about to wrap this up.

I need to update badly

 I haven't updated because life has been... well, in the gutter, so to speak.

my mental health is very poor (despite my therapist thinking it was great for a while)

I have come to admit I am having memory and cognitive problems. It's almost as if an early dementia that old people get... but I am far too young.

we are ruling out things... such as sleep apnea but I met with a sleep study consultant and told him everything I have going on (he majored in psychology then became a nurse) and he is pretty sure my sleep avoidance and problems are psychological. Probably trauma based.

I was told to tell my therapist to try CBT-I for insomnia and she said we can revisit CBT therapy and focus on insomnia problems but the CBT therapy didn't work very well for me in the past when I attempted it.

However this is a different kind of nasty I am dealing with when it comes to my being too anxious to let myself even try to fall asleep most nights. The entire process so complicated. We are working on solutions.. better noise cancelled ear phones that aren't bulky. or even a blue tooth head band that will play sleep sounds so i can fall asleep and not hear outside noises. I think that is my best shot.

If the getting my sleep right doesn't help my memory then we are looking at a serious problem that I don't want to think about... I'm not even sure what the proper term for it would be.

just the cognitive dysfunction and memory loss i am experiencing. and the fatigue. Always the fatigue.. My iron is still low I have been attempting to take the oral iron supplements but there are days I i know i cannot stomach them so I don't take them. The iron saturation in my blood stream isnt enough for my iron levels to rise. I have plenty of health red blood cells. my platelet count is great.. something isnt right and i dont know what it is. my doctor i see, i just now made headway with him and got him to communicate with me better and now he is retiring! SOOOOOO i am doubly frustrated!!!!!

however he said the woman taking over his patients is young and knows new medical things that he does not know-- he admits he is behind the times now. So bless his heart.. i actually ended up getting attached to him and now he is gone.  D=

I have a chance to start over with this new doctor and maybe come clean about my eating disorder. and how it has affected my entire life since 2005... and how now it is messing with my managing my diabetes.

I have a chance to come clean and get real help but... am i ready to give up my eating disorder? i have lived with it so long it is a part of who i am.. i dont know who i am if i'm not thinking about calories and weight. and not blood sugar!!! and carbs and ahhhh its just so much. it's so very much,

I was hoping to get a job but the sleep study consultation turned up this way and now I am having to look into my mental health more than I planned on because... If I can't think straight how can I work a job efficiently? 

I have thought about applying for disability and it breaks my heart. it hurts to think about it,

and i know i will get denied anyways everyone does their first time applying.

but what i'm seeing is that its because of a lack of medical records and well... i have tons of paper trails from my mental health problems that for sure, starting back in 2008 if i had to dig that far. i can't even remember the doctors name, nana and pawpaw took me to him and they're both gone now.... ..... sadness.

so my next records would be with indian rivers and i can get that. they have to still have them i went there for years. i should call and get them sent to me. i think maybe i will do that this week.

calling places like that is a huge HUGE anxiety trigger for me. like i will probably have a panic attack, not gonna lie. but if I can get information to help something... maybe even help my current therapist if not the disability approval... just having the records would be useful. i dont know why i haven't done this before. 

I am just not getting around to taking care of my own self i guess.

I am ADULTING.

it's hard yall

it really is.

and on that note. i will end this

also with a cute gif