I need to update badly

 I haven't updated because life has been... well, in the gutter, so to speak.

my mental health is very poor (despite my therapist thinking it was great for a while)

I have come to admit I am having memory and cognitive problems. It's almost as if an early dementia that old people get... but I am far too young.

we are ruling out things... such as sleep apnea but I met with a sleep study consultant and told him everything I have going on (he majored in psychology then became a nurse) and he is pretty sure my sleep avoidance and problems are psychological. Probably trauma based.

I was told to tell my therapist to try CBT-I for insomnia and she said we can revisit CBT therapy and focus on insomnia problems but the CBT therapy didn't work very well for me in the past when I attempted it.

However this is a different kind of nasty I am dealing with when it comes to my being too anxious to let myself even try to fall asleep most nights. The entire process so complicated. We are working on solutions.. better noise cancelled ear phones that aren't bulky. or even a blue tooth head band that will play sleep sounds so i can fall asleep and not hear outside noises. I think that is my best shot.

If the getting my sleep right doesn't help my memory then we are looking at a serious problem that I don't want to think about... I'm not even sure what the proper term for it would be.

just the cognitive dysfunction and memory loss i am experiencing. and the fatigue. Always the fatigue.. My iron is still low I have been attempting to take the oral iron supplements but there are days I i know i cannot stomach them so I don't take them. The iron saturation in my blood stream isnt enough for my iron levels to rise. I have plenty of health red blood cells. my platelet count is great.. something isnt right and i dont know what it is. my doctor i see, i just now made headway with him and got him to communicate with me better and now he is retiring! SOOOOOO i am doubly frustrated!!!!!

however he said the woman taking over his patients is young and knows new medical things that he does not know-- he admits he is behind the times now. So bless his heart.. i actually ended up getting attached to him and now he is gone.  D=

I have a chance to start over with this new doctor and maybe come clean about my eating disorder. and how it has affected my entire life since 2005... and how now it is messing with my managing my diabetes.

I have a chance to come clean and get real help but... am i ready to give up my eating disorder? i have lived with it so long it is a part of who i am.. i dont know who i am if i'm not thinking about calories and weight. and not blood sugar!!! and carbs and ahhhh its just so much. it's so very much,

I was hoping to get a job but the sleep study consultation turned up this way and now I am having to look into my mental health more than I planned on because... If I can't think straight how can I work a job efficiently? 

I have thought about applying for disability and it breaks my heart. it hurts to think about it,

and i know i will get denied anyways everyone does their first time applying.

but what i'm seeing is that its because of a lack of medical records and well... i have tons of paper trails from my mental health problems that for sure, starting back in 2008 if i had to dig that far. i can't even remember the doctors name, nana and pawpaw took me to him and they're both gone now.... ..... sadness.

so my next records would be with indian rivers and i can get that. they have to still have them i went there for years. i should call and get them sent to me. i think maybe i will do that this week.

calling places like that is a huge HUGE anxiety trigger for me. like i will probably have a panic attack, not gonna lie. but if I can get information to help something... maybe even help my current therapist if not the disability approval... just having the records would be useful. i dont know why i haven't done this before. 

I am just not getting around to taking care of my own self i guess.

I am ADULTING.

it's hard yall

it really is.

and on that note. i will end this

also with a cute gif