it's been awhileeeee

 so i have... so much to say that i dont even know WHAT to say. I know no one is reading this but I am going to update anyway.

my health is slightly better but i am still struggling. we are coming to a point where we are last ditch efforting my iron deficiency anemia. after this last thing, we will have to start the process of getting expensive tests done. however i, SOMEHOW... VERY UNLIKE ME... have *faith* that this last thing will work.

which brings me to the next thing.

faith.

i seem to have... rediscovered mine? i am... not sure exactly what has changed. nothing really has. or maybe so much has i can't pinpoint it. But my life... I am just so happy. I want for nothing. I am so blessed.

I have made TWO friends. IN REAL LIFE. I .... hahaha.. don't do that. I literally dont. so... i am... i feel so much.. joy. I have made an actual friend who i can hang out with and not feel weird. I dont feel anxious or judged. I am ... I feel so fortunate to have found this person among all the people i could have met. She is a great person and I hope we can stay friends for a really long time. and the only reason we met is because of her dog!!! haha

she has a huuuuge dog. that is SO happy and excited to see new people that is scares everyone. but i was NOT scared of that big baby. and so we kept running into each other while she was walking her dog here (we live close by) and we just kept talking more and more and i think she is happy to have a friend too. The fact that i love her dog and didn't run meant a lot to her. i can tell.. because let me tell you... her dog is a HANDFUL. but i have been through that with my dad's dog Scarlet. just a big hyper baby that wants love!

also I am still playing clarinet! i am having to skip this next set of rehearsals and concert because of a travel issue but i have been meeting a friend from band to play clarinet together on mondays and.... she is amazing and i love her and... she has me meeting her at her church to practice because its convenient for both of us. can't practice at my apartment my neighbors will have a fit. lol and she is driving in from another city to meet me because she goes to church here and is here anyway. so i have been talking to her about my life and everything and i feel... a huge amount of blessed and i don't know. 

what i am trying to say is i am thinking about going to church with her. and if its not the right church for me, she understands, because i've told her about my past with the church i was raised in and also some of my beliefs and she is basically just happy if i go to church at all. she told me she would pray for me over a month ago when we first started hanging out and... well.. honestly. i think it might have worked because my life is significantly better than is has been.

there are a ton of other good things that are small but all of this is snow balling into... a great... NEED.. a feeling of being called into going back to church. i am grateful. i am blessed. and i just feel like its the right thing to do.

so anyway

haha

my husband and i are going back to get the rest of our stuff from where we lived before and i will get to see my parents... very briefly. for like one day. but its better than nothing and i am so excited. sad i wont get to see them more but so happy i am going to see them atleast one time this year other than Christmas. last year i saw them only once that december. my heart was so heavy with missing them that i binge ate myself into diabetes basically. which is one of my health problems i am now struggling with. its better. but i am still diabetic and i will be for a while unless i get things better. i lost a ton of weight but i need to lose more. its going to be a struggle but if i keep going like i'm going i'm too busy to eat! and i want to get a job too. so that is even more activity. I am unsure where i want to work but I am narrowing it down to a few places. i am going to wait until after i get back from alabama and get my band schedule for the rest of the year written down in my planner. and then i will apply and tell them when i will be busy. if they wont let me off for my performances though... i will... that will be a deal breaker for me. i can miss a rehearsal now and then. hopefully not. like i dont plan on it, but if i absolutely had to... i would.

i dont know i am filling up my week with stuff to do and getting a job would change that also.

so now i dont know actually. i mean would love to have the money and love to have that purpose in my life. but also... if i can't do the things i am doing now, i wont be happy either.

so i have a decision to make. its not an urgent decision but it needs to be made in the next month or two?

anyways i am about to wrap this up.